


Into The Blue

by cuter_than_a_guinea_pig



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: AU, Baseball, M/M, Summer Camp, Surfing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-17 21:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4682240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuter_than_a_guinea_pig/pseuds/cuter_than_a_guinea_pig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Jude Jacob, summer always came too quickly and stretched on for too long. This year, his new foster mothers signed him for baseball camp to hopefully give him a sense of normalcy. There was nothing normal about the team’s pitcher with the blue bandanna though and the way his eyes never seemed to leave Jude’s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jude squinted as he stepped out of the car and tilted his baseball hat further forwards. It didn't help much though. The sun was still low in the sky. It was so low that he still hadn't quite shaken off the morning yawning fits and yet thanks to good old Southern California, he was already sweating.

"Ready?" Lena asked walking around the car.

"For bed maybe," he mumbled.

"Hey." Lena playfully smacked him in the shoulder. "You like baseball. Right?"

Jude didn't answer. Instead though, he reached back into the car and grabbed his backpack. She was right. He did like baseball. He was good at it too. It was summer that Jude didn't like. The quintessential American childhood longing of school free days in the hot sun, capped by carefree evenings out with friends long after the sky had darkened but before the earth had really been able to cool had never really captured him. Probably because he'd never really experienced one. For Jude summer meant destruction of whatever sense of normalcy he'd managed to build for himself over the school year. Because in the summer, there was no escape. No escaped from the vile chaos that festered in the booze and Tabaco soaked houses that some bureaucrat decided he should consider home. Meals were unpredictable. Sometimes there were chips and cheese wiz in a cupboard. Sometimes someone would come home well after midnight with McDonalds bought in a drunken state with only themselves in mind. His sister quickly learned how to distract them so Jude could steal a pack of fries or chicken nuggets for them to share. But those nights were the good ones. Whenever they were finally pulled from a house, they left behind scratch marks on the floor from frantically pushing desks, end tables, dressers, sometimes even beds up against their bedroom doors. Home was never safe; it was never really home. School had become Jude's home. It wasn't ideal either really. They got moved around so much that he never got the chance to make friends but the adults didn't hit him at school. The teachers cared about his school work and future. The administration cared that he got at least one proper meal a day. And the coaches taught him how to channel his frustration into something constructive, if you can consider swinging a wooden bat to hit a ball and then running around a pre-drawn circle constructive. For two months every year though, that was all taken away and with it, Jude's ability to pretend everything was okay.

There was a chance it could be different now. It had been eight months since they were placed with Stef and Lena. Nineteen was the record but still, something felt different about this one.

"Yeah, yeah," he said with an eye role but he smiled and Lena smiled back. That was the something different about this place; stuff like that, was just suddenly easy. "Thanks for the ride."

"Uh. Oh, right. Sure." She waved and Jude waved back heading towards the field. He couldn't help but think that even with her black blazer and curly hair, frizz free and done to perfection she looked a little lost stepping backwards the few steps she had taken from the car. That too was the something different.

The field was unlike one Jude had ever seen up close. The grass was actually green and as he walked across it water droplets left over from its early morning watering tickled his ankles. He'd never lived in community that could afford to keep fields and parks from browning in the summer heat. Nor one that would even consider watering the dirt infield so you wouldn't choke on the dust as you ran the bases. He passed third base and followed the chalk line towards home plate where a group of boys his age were all huddled about. The line was crisp and even whiter than the new shoes Stef and Lena had bought him.

"You must be Jacob," boomed a scratchy voice from the shade of the graffiti free dugout. Jude nodded and veered around the group of boys towards the older man. He looked about sixty to Jude, skin wrinkled with sun spots. The edges of his baseball hat were frayed along the brim and the colour looked washed out as if he'd warn it for years, summer after summer, out on the field coaching instead of on a cruise in the Bahamas or whatever it was that retired people do. His smile was friendly though and so Jude supposed he didn't mind. "Good, good. I'm Will. Will, Coach, whatever. Kid in the bandana calls me Shakes," he said nodding over to the group of boys. Jude turned to look but turned back quickly when he saw the kid in the bandana looking back at him. "Never figured that one out." Jude didn't know if he meant the kid or the nickname but he didn't ask. "You can just drop your bag there and we'll do introductions. It's exciting getting fresh blood out here. Haven't had anyone new in years."

Jude felt his stomach lurch. He tossed his bag in the pile with the others but a part of him wanted to crawl in there with it and hide. Lena had mentioned it was more of a skill clinic than a summer camp but trying his best to keep the approaching summer off his mind back in May, he hadn't though much of it. If he had maybe he would have foreseen that once again he was going to be the new kid. Jude clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palm. He was too old and had been in the system for too long now to allow an eight month run get his hopes up. Clearly though, if the thought of being once again left out of every inside joke or having to listen to constant whispers while being avoided like the plague made him physically ill, he had. Sometimes Jude thought that was the worst part of it all, the way it revealed his own stupidity over and over. Controlling others and their nimrodic minds was impossible but his own mind was another story. Or at least it should be. Once again though, he seemed to be failing.

"Okay, I guess we'll get started, boys," Will said stepping onto the field. "This is Jude Jacob. Jude, these are the guys. I trust you'll all introduce yourselves at some point today." Most of the guys nodded polite hellos before turning their attention back to Will. Jude nodded back, thankful for the short and sweet version. There was nothing he loathed more than the standard 'Tell us a bit about yourself.' In and out of court, bounced from one form of abuse to another, there just wasn't much room for anything else and not having anything to say made standing up at the front of the class with thirty pairs of eyes sizing him up even worse. Besides, no one really cared. The new kid was invisible unless he was a punching bag and neither of those required the knowledge of how many siblings one had or what their favorite colour was.

The kid in the bandana though seemed to have that very question on the tip of his tongue. He was tall, and muscular, his dirty blond hair flopped out of the blue bandana that he had tied around his head like a sweat band. Even as Will continued talking, Blue Bandana kept his eyes on Jude. When Jude looked back at him, he wouldn't even look away and just shifted his jaw from side to side. "Now, let's start with a lap. And no cutting corners. You should be an arm's length from the fence the entire way. Then we'll buddy up for stretches. Alright let's go. Let's go."

Jude fell in line and the group began to make their way around the outfield. They moved as a group at an almost laughably slow pace. There was safety in numbers though and so Jude happily plotted along with them, glad that at the end of the lap he wouldn't be the wheezing in agony kid as well as the new kid. It had been far too long since he'd done any sort of real exercise. He supposed he'd need to change that though. Blue Bandana wasn't the only one here with muscles. The group of boys in front of him looked more like men. Their arms had shape to them, their shoulder blades bulged through their shirts, and their legs hardly looked like his own spindly twigs. They may not have been moving fast in that moment but they looked like they certainly could if they wanted to. Looking down at his knobby knees, Jude thought he looked like he would snap in half if he tried to go any faster.

Hearing footsteps gaining on his as they rounded the first bend, Jude picked his head back up to try and seem less pathetic. Spotting blue out of the corner of his eye, Jude tried to keep his face neutral as the boy passed him, running backwards, eyes still glued in his direction. Trying to keep his own eyes directly forward so as not to encourage whatever it was that was going on, Jude watched as Blue Bandana weaved his way to the front of the pack, only turning around once he was a head of everyone else. Suddenly Jude thought being invisible wasn't going to be his biggest hurdle.

When they made it back to home plate, Jude watched everyone begin to pair up. He looked around trying not to feel lost but as everyone began to spread out he spotted eyes on him again.

"Partner," Blue Bandana said, grabbing his arm and tugging him towards the grassy outfield. "So," he began, kicking out his left leg slightly and digging his heel into the ground. Jude did the same, a little too caught in the whirlwind that was this guy to think for himself. He did notice however, that the grass was no longer damp. The sun it seemed, was in full force before nine. "I'm Connor by the way. And I'll be your personal guide to a baseball intensive summer."

"Intensive?" Jude winced. He'd played on school teams but they were never that serious.

"Oh yeah," Connor nodded. "Everyone here's gunning for a scholarship." Jude's eyes widened in surprise. They were fourteen. College seemed so far away that it wasn't even on his radar. Maybe that was another setback of being a system kid though. These kids could plan years in advance but that had always been impossible for him. Connor switched legs and Jude mirrored him. "It's fine though. We find ways to make it fun. Can't waste a whole summer out here getting yelled at by Shakes."

"Is he bad?" Jude didn't like yelling, particularly from adult males.

"He snaps but I just have to work my charm on him and he rolls over like a puppy," Connor said with a wink. "Here, I'll do your arms."

Jude looked around at the other pairs and stretched his arms out wide like a scarecrow like they had theirs and felt Connor step up close behind him and pull them back.

"What do you play?"

Jude shivered in the hot sun as Connor's breath tickled his neck. "Second base."

"So not a prude but not willing to give it all up either. A little tongue action, little hip action, clothes mostly on. Good to know."

"What?" Jude could feel his cheeks heat up. He forced out a laugh to try and brush it off. Connor seemed like the type who liked to get under peoples skin although it wasn't in a malicious way. It was in a way Jude had never really experienced before. He dealt with others and their malice by ignoring them, pretending that what they said didn't bother him and he'd had years of experience there. He knew what sort of jabs to anticipate and he built up walls to counter them. He didn't have walls for Connor's flirting assault though. It was flirting, wasn't it? He blushed like it was. His heart beat fast like it was. But Jude didn't really have anything to compare it to. "You're insane." He was. Or maybe he wasn't. Stef and Lena were clearly liberal thinkers and so maybe this was a community where Connor could be that open and forward. Stef and Lena had only been eight months of Jude's fifteen years though and the rest of it would have crucified the boy standing behind him closer than any of the other boys were standing behind their partners for simply just that never mind what came out of his mouth.

They switched after what felt like a very long minute to Jude and as he stepped up behind Connor he notice blue nail polish on his left hand. He glanced to his right hand but the one was bare. He wanted to ask. And hell, Connor didn't seem like someone who would mind the question. And he had the opportunity and everything. But he didn't. Jude didn't know why exactly but he had never been one to ask. Somewhere inside him Jude thought that was probably why he didn't have friends but he buried that far beneath his experiences within the foster care system.

"Alright, alright, this isn't the circus," Will called when he decided they'd all done enough stretching. "Since it's the point and how you're going to win games, we'll start with hitting. Connor, why don't you pitch?"

Of course he was the pitcher.

"Sure thing, Shakes. That way you can sit back in your lawn chair a little longer," Connor agreed with a smile.

Jude's eyes went wide at the comment but looking around no one else seemed shocked. "Yeah, yeah," Will gruffed tossing Connor the ball. "Just pace yourself. Don't want to run out of smart comments before the summer ends."

"No worries, Shakes. I feel like this will be a very inspiring summer."

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You leaving too?"

"Yeah," Jude nodded, paddling his board back to shore. Gently rolling in, the evening tide was doing most of the work for his tired arms even if it was seemingly settling in for the night. They hadn't seen a white, foamy crest in over twenty minutes and the breeze off the Pacific had just begun to bite as the sun dipped beneath its darkening surface off in the distant West. These days, out there on the ocean, where the sun disappeared behind the Earth, this was the new Wild West, the new last frontier, and everybody is South Cali knew it. "Aren't you?" Jude asked, craning his neck back to Connor where the boy sat a drift his board, peaceful in his solitude as the water cleared of the day's riders.

"No," He answered simply. "Never."

Jude laughed to himself and continued to shore. Connor was nothing if not eccentric. He'd met the boy only ten hours ago and the answer already didn't surprise him. Jude continued towards the beach, following the handful of other boys from the team who had joined them in an after practice ride. Or really, Jude figured, he had been the one to do the joining, not them. He watched as they clambered to shore and began the uncoordinated dance of trying to right themselves on their bikes while holding their surf boards. It was definitely a skill and Jude determined that most kids got their driver's license before ever mastering it. Just managing to stand up on his board a few months ago, Jude resigned to walking for the next two years. No use making an even bigger fool of himself.

Once he had made it back onto the dry sand, he helped the few stragglers get going, holding onto their bikes until they got peddling fast enough that they could balance on their own.

"It's Jude, right?" Marc called back to him.

"Yeah," he answered, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He would never admit to how good it felt to have someone remember his name.

"Alright. Thanks man. See you tomorrow."

He waved and sat himself down on a log to brush the sand off his feet, another science he didn't think he'd ever quite figure out. He listened as their voices grew quieter and quieter. When he couldn't hear them anymore Jude listened to the water rush in rhythmically over the beach, each time creeping just a little higher, bringing relief to the thirsty sand that had baked all day in the sun. But even the waves weren't loud enough to break the quiet that had settled over the beach. They had been the last of the surfers out in the water and now it was just him on the beach with a few seagulls and Connor, who still sat looking west, legs straddling his board.

Since waking up this morning, this was the first time Jude had been able to really stop and think. And that was probably the point really. Summer skill clinics weren't about developing ones inner self. All Coach cared about was hitting the ball the furthest and it was all go, go, go until you passed the mark. For some of the other guys who were hunting scholarships that was probably okay for them. He wasn't really there for baseball though. Jude knew enough his inner self to know that. Stef and Lena just wanted him to make friends and find some sense of belonging. And it had been eight months. Eight months of something different so back in May, he'd agreed to baseball and after practice he'd agreed to spend the late afternoon surfing with the team and now, well now he was faced with another choice.

He'd already said goodbye but there was something tugging him to stay. He didn't know what it was exactly and he hesitated. It wasn't that he'd get in trouble or anything; Lena had told him not worry about dinner if he was having fun with his friends. But even Jude knew this wasn't really about that. He was scared to say what it was really about though, to let his mind venture down that path and into the unmapped woods on either side. This wasn't the first time the fork had presented itself to Jude. Cute boys had always held his interest over cute girls. Being the new kid though, the freaky foster kid with the dad who had killed his mom, had never leant itself well to positive interaction with anyone really, let alone a crush. And Jude didn't really know if that tug he felt even was a crush or simply the appreciation of acknowledgement and inclusion. That was the thing though, Jude never really knew because he never let himself ask.

Watching the seagulls down the beach take off towards the open water, their fill of crumbs had, Jude realized that for once, he wasn't locked behind some broken system. He hadn't been for eight months. He was finally free to do as he pleased and he owed it to himself at least get his feet wet.

He stepped back onto the sand and sighed when he realized he'd just finally managed to get it off his feet. A quickly building thumping in his chest told him it was going to be worth it though. He walked down to the water's edge and waded in. It felt even warmer now, an ever constant heat sink against the ever changing air above. Once the water lapped against his waste, Jude took a breath and dove head first out into the blue.


	2. Chapter 2

Jude stopped a few yards out from where Connor sat. Treading water, he began to second guess himself. Was he interrupting something? Was this Connor's thing, sitting alone out on the water after the beach had cleared for the day? Alone time was certainly something Jude valued. Or maybe he just told himself that so he didn't feel so bad about the amount of time he spent alone. Either way, he'd still only met the other boy that morning. Was he being presumptuous in thinking the attention during the day extended to an invitation in the evening? Maybe Connor had just been being nice to the new kid. A noble gesture, but just a gesture none the less.

Jude wondered how long he could tread water for. The tide was coming in after all and so eventually Connor's board would drift into him and then it would be Connor, not him, that was interrupting.

"Hey!"

Jude looked up and saw that Connor had turned around. His eye brow cocked slightly, his smile crooked but it was bright in it questioning. "Hey." He smiled back and swam the remaining distance.

Connor tipped himself off the side of his board when he got close so they could both hang onto the edge, Connor on one side near the front, Jude on the other, near the back. "So," Connor said looking around. "You forget something?"

Jude ducked his head. He hadn't come up with an excuse. He hadn't gotten that far. "Yeah, uh, I think I left one of my cleats out here."

"Mmm been there. You'd think it'd sink but no, the seagulls take'em."

That. Right there. That ease of banter that some people just seem to have captivated him. It was one of those skills that had skipped over him and left him floundering and even further away from making friends. "Oh yeah?" was all he managed accompanied by a laughed.

"Yeah, they're not shy, I'll tell you that much."

"Well you fit right in then." Connor shrugged but nodded in what Jude thought was maybe not so much agreement but acceptance. He looked different now. His hair was wet and plastered over his forehead instead of sticking up out of his bandana. His eyes looked younger, open wider, no longer needing to squint from the sun and his odd affinity for that bandana over a baseball cap. They were brown, Jude noticed, lighter than his own, and mischievous in a way that was appealing. Bad boy wasn't really Jude's thing but that's not really what he was seeing either. Connor was more of a tug in a different direction than one in the wrong direction. His smile had that mischief to it too, like there was some dumb innuendo just sitting behind it. When it was hiding there and not jumping out at him Jude couldn't help but find it cute and he caught himself staring more often than he would like to admit. His heart rate began to pick up when he noticed Connor staring back. "The waves have died," he said in hopes of breaking the eye contact and allowing his heart to slow back in rhythm to the gentle roll of the incoming tide.

"You don't need waves to surf. Waves are for the weak," Connor answered, his eyes still holding Jude's in a way that didn't allow him to full dissect the absurdity of the remark before Connor suggested a race out to the buoy.

Jude looked out towards the line of orange buoys that floated further out in ocean. He could barely see them bobbing, backlit by the setting sun. They were there to keep the boats away from the surfers and the surfers from going out to far.

"What about your board?"

"It'll just float in on the tide. Sometimes I like to race it. See how many times I can make it out to the buoys and back before it reaches the sand."

"What's your record?"

"Six. But I'm pretty sure I drowned that time 'cause I swear there was like no tide and so the board wasn't moving but you know, I just had to keep going."

"Well of course, think of the shame you would have brought to your family if you'd have stopped."

Connor just smiled before asking "so there and back?" He straightened up a bit and was already pushing himself back from the board.

There was something contagious about his eagerness that, despite the ache in Jude's arms from a long day of baseball and an afternoon spent in the surf, made Jude push off the board too and start out towards the buoys.

"No fair," he heard Connor call between the splashing of arms and legs. Jude was pretty certain it was fair though given the other boys build. And maybe it was because of that difference in muscle mass that Jude felt a strong need impress. Maybe it was because all day Connor had fixated on him and if Jude didn't give him something good to actually look at then that new attention would start picking away at old wounds. He kicked harder and pulled his arms faster through the incoming tide. The salt in the water began to sting his eyes but he kept going. The further he swam more frantic his limbs became. He made it to the buoy first but only barely and as he turned around and began heading back, he felt a hand on his ankle, tugging him back. Any fear of mysterious sea creatures lurking below vanished when he heard a laugh from behind him. The weird spout of competitiveness seemed to disappear with it too. His muscles relaxed a little, finally allowing himself to feel the dying rays of sinking sun on his back and as he kicked free of his capture it was his own laugh that carried over the water. He was only free for a couple seconds though before he felt the hand again, this time on his swim trunks.

"Hey! No playing dirty."

"A little presumptuous, are we?" Connor smirked as he finally managed to take the lead. And just like that morning, he flipped onto his back to look back at Jude. "Besides, everyone knows I save my foreplay for the sand."

Jude felt himself blush but picked up his pace. Connor was easy to catch and Jude used probably every ounce of strength him arms had left to reach out and dunk him before continuing back the board.

Lucky for them the board hadn't drifted too far. Jude won. What exactly, he hadn't determined and was too exhausted to think about it when he flopped his upper body over the floating fiber glass. Really, he didn't know if it counted because when he turned his head, Connor was still on his back, making his way lazily. He was kind of glad though, seeing as he was currently laying half dead and panting seemingly uncontrollably over the board.

It was the blue on the board that caught his tired eyes first. It didn't miss him that it was the blue because he had already begun associating the colour with Connor. He sat himself up a bit so he could see more. It was a mural of sorts, hand drawn by the looks of the uneven lines and indefinite proportions. The blue part was a human type creature but it had two heads and four arms and four legs. There was a jagged tear down its center, a yellow lightning bolt drawn down the middle. There were other human creatures in the background, some still together, others ripped fully apart with confused and sad looks on their faces. An angry looking ocean churned beneath the creatures, black and charcoal except for the white foamy tips of crashing waves. The fury was reflected in the spiteful looking God, he assumed, hovering in the storm clouds above and raining the lightning bolts down upon the helpless creatures below.

"Like it?" came a voice behind him.

He turned but Connor dove under the water. He reappeared on the other side of the board and folded his arms right in front of Jude's so they were touching. Jude moved his hand a little so it rested on top of Connor's arm and waited. Connor didn't move away though, instead he moved closer, leaning over the board. Letting his eyes slip close, Jude felt lips on his, rough and salty from the ocean, but soft in their touch.

He pulled away before Jude could react but when Jude opened his eyes again he was still resting across from him. There was no smirk on his face. Instead, he seemed to be grinding his teeth on the inside of his bottom lip. But he still looked right back at Jude, eyes wide and unwavering. While his own remained fogged over, Connor's bore into him. There was a purpose behind their gaze. And Jude didn't know what that purpose was, his head spinning just a little too fast to think anything through completely, but it was the simple fact that Connor had one while he drifted, lost at sea.

"I should go," was all he said. Although, Jude was impressed that he managed anything at all. "Dinner."

"Yeah." Connor looked away then, down at the painting of the blue creature on his board.

Jude headed back to shore, thankful the tide had moved them closer. He didn't care so much about the sand stuck to the bottom of his feet this time. It was getting dark, the sun only rays now above the black water. Connor couldn't stay out there forever. A breeze blew in off the water and Jude shivered under his wet skin. Maybe he was imagining it but he swore his lips were still warm. Just as he tucked his own surf board under his arm, he spotted Connor walking towards him. "See you tomorrow?"

"I'm not gay," Jude said, his lips tingling as the lie rushed passed them. He didn't really know why he said it. His brain still felt a little hazy. Long days in the sun would do that to a person. Long days of getting attention from a cute boy would do that too. It was like treading water where every unabashed gaze in his direction sent another wave over his head. The kiss though, that soft press of warm skin onto his… That wave was too big. That wave washed away any of ambiguity of Connor's intentions and pulled him under. He needed to retreat. He needed to find dry land and shelter from the oncoming storm. It had been years since he had reached for that cover. Most of the time his world consisted only of himself so from the time he had started to understand, Jude had just gone with it. Other people were different but Jude never told them anything anyways so it never felt like this was something he way lying about. Connor was not like other people though. He had made that very clear.

"Yeah, okay," Connor nodded, the smirk returning to lips. "Alright." And Jude knew he knew because it wasn't 'alright, I accept and respect your stated sexuality.' No, it was 'alright, going with that then? I can work with that. Just wait and see.'

Jude opened his mouth to defend himself but didn't. Instead, he headed for the sandy path that gradually turned to dirt as it lead up from the beach towards the neighborhood of nice homes and trust funds that he now called home.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Jude got home he could tell it was going to be one of those nights. The house was dark, the hardwood paneled walls in the hall and the living room soaking up the soft glow coming from the kitchen. It wasn't a scary sort of dark though. It was warm, cozy. Murmuring voices drifted into the front hall as he slipped off his shoes but he couldn't make out what they were saying. It didn't matter though. He knew. It was about Callie. It was always about Callie. Even though they'd been here for eight months now, his sister just could not stay out of trouble. The home had come to her too late.

"Jude," he heard Lena call as he climbed the stairs to his bedroom. The scrape of chair legs on the hardwood floor echoed through the house before he could even answer. When he did she insisted he come get something to eat and so Jude turned around and walked back down and into the kitchen. Lena was standing at the counter already making him a sandwich. "How were the waves? You guys were out there for a long time."

"Good."

"Hey Baby, you haven't seen your sister have you?" Stef asked. She was sitting at the table with a woman in a suit. In front of them was a large binder. It was a familiar scene but with it did not come comfort.

"No."

"Did she say if she was going anywhere?"

"No. Why?"

"Well she didn't come home last night and she has a hearing on Thursday."

"Oh."

"Well I'm sure she'll turn up," Lena said, handing him the plate. "She's been doing better. No need to worry."

Jude nodded. "Thanks," he said and turned to leave them to their murmuring. She was probably with a guy. When she disappeared that's where she ran to. They usually weren't anything sinister. Jude found loser to be the most fitting. Life had sat them in such a precarious position though that even a simple loser could bring them down. Case and point, dating anyone was apparently a parole violation and so Jude kept quiet. Over and over he'd seen Callie crumble under the hands of some guy. Sometimes it was just little things like missing curfew or skipping school. It always escalated though, particularly when summer boredom began to set in.

A sinking feeling settled in Jude's stomach as he pushed the door open to his room. He placed the plate with his dinner down on the dresser beside his door. He paused then, looking at the large wooden piece of furniture. When they'd first been placed with Stef and Lena, the dresser had been on the other side of the room. He'd moved it that night. It was strategy, a survival technique. And now, eight months later, it was still there. He knew he could move it back now. Logically, he knew. But logically, Callie should know there was no need to disappear anymore either. Running was her security blanket, her conformation that she could escape if she really needed to, that this option was truly better than juvie. And that dresser was his, more so than any teddy bear or oversized hoodie could ever be. He continued into his room, shutting his door behind him and flopping down onto his bed, his tired muscles expressing their relief. This was all his, his bed, his room, snuggled warmly in the first real home he'd ever known and Jude wondered if he'd ever be able to shake off the past or if, like Callie, it was all just too late for him.


	3. Chapter 3

Since Monday the week had calmed down significantly. Callie had returned in time for her hearing. She popped into his room to say hi after spending the evening in the kitchen with Stef and Lena discussing whatever it was that concerned them all. Jude said hi back but didn't get off his bed to give her a hug and never stopped tossing his baseball in the air and catching it as it fell back towards his head. His mind was occupied elsewhere. They hadn't gone surfing again, nor had Connor picked him again to be his stretching partner. He still said hi and Jude thought his smile was a little too lop sided to be simply cordial. Jude thought his glances still lingered too even though the outright staring had stopped. Jude had found his own glances doing the same, especially when Connor was helping whomever else stretch out their hamstrings. Jude couldn't help but watch as Connor would lean over the guy lying on his back, his leg up and bent, trapped between their bodies. He watched and imagined feeling Connor's weight pushing him down and seeing the tension in Connor's forearms as he pushed against his leg, forcing his body where he pleased He imagined being completely surrounded by him and trusting him enough to allow him to do so. He imagined looking up and seeing those intense brown eyes so close, almost as close as right before he had kissed him. He imagined seeing the sweat bead on Connor's skin as if the ocean was calling him back. And while Jude knew that the thought of it dripping from where it collected at his collar bone should have grossed him out, it didn't. It was like the ocean was calling them both back. He imagined seeing the tension in Connor's forearms as he pushed against his leg, forcing his body where he pleased.

Imagining was one thing though and Jude didn't know if he necessarily wanted to be that other boy. Maybe in the ideal fantasy world his heart pumped out with every beat it seemed appealing. In the real world though, the heart could not be trusted. It wasn't malicious in its misleading ways. It was just naïve. It pumped blood to the brain; it didn't receive years of knowledge and experience in return. And so Jude lived content in that week in the weird limbo he had come to exist in where he was happy to imagine himself as the boy laid out underneath Connor from a safe distance across the outfield. Maybe it was so easy for him because really, his life had always existed in limbo.

Saturday was when his proxy world began to crumble. He woke up early, early for teenager on summer vacation anyways, hopped on his skateboard, and headed to the field. That first week of camp hadn't been a disaster like he had expected but the other guys could run faster, throw harder, and hit further. And even if he had no intention of competing for a scholarship, Jude still wanted to keep up just enough so he wouldn't stand out in a bad way. Having nothing better to do, Jude had decided that weekend mornings would be his personal training time. And although teenage motivation was the newest oxymoron in his lexicon, there was a small voice in his head that made him go. It told him that yes, the other guys were better, but not by much. Their level of play is achievable. Jude had long thought that voice had been buried too deep to revive. He was a little scared of it, scared of the hope it would drag up, that he could once again be like the normal kids, only for it to be crushed, dragging him back down with it. He had an out though. He just wanted to not suck. That's all.

He hopped off his skate board when he reached the edge of the parking lot and leaned it up against the fence along the outfield. The jerky figure he had spotted hovering over the pitcher's mound was finally close enough that he could make out it was a person doing a hand stand. Jude started his run along the perimeter of the field, actually running this time instead of the usual light jog. When he reached the sandy infield, the person still balancing upside down called out to him. Jude couldn't make much out as he ran past the person but the blue bandana tied around his upside down head was enough. Connor.

He waved and kept running. This was the routine. Connor would say hi and Jude would politely acknowledge him but make no effort to continue the interaction. He didn't think Connor would ever tire of the little game but Jude didn't mind. He enjoyed it in the way he enjoyed watching Connor stretch out someone else's hamstring. It stirred the butterflies in his stomach without awaking them fully and leaving him feeling nauseous and panicked. He didn't know if that made him a bad person or not, someone who used other's affection for a bit of an ego boost and gave them back nothing in return. Maybe he was in the clear though because was a simple 'hi' really affection? Would anyone else consider this flirting? Did Connor even consider it flirting? Probably not given the fact that he had a designated spot for making his moves and everybody knew it was the beach and not the water or anywhere else.

As Jude made it out of the infield and back onto the grass, he glanced Connor's way and Connor was still holding his hand stand. He didn't jerk as much now though. It was kind of impressive, the way being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue is impressive. He was sure it would garner a round of applause and a few introductions at a party but it didn't seem to have any real world application. It also seemed like a one-time use only kind of thing too because unless you had a fresh audience, you would quickly become the delusional, attention seeking, hand stand guy. Too deprived of oxygen to laugh, Jude smiled to himself wondering if Connor had already crossed that line with his bandana. Maybe he wasn't as big of a hot shot his forwardness made him out to be. Maybe others had already labeled him as a cocky, pretentious, idiot. He wouldn't be surprised. People were quick with labels, quick and mean.

Finishing his first lap, Jude felt that jolt of competitiveness kick in again. He began his second determined to run longer than Connor could keep his balance. By the end of lap two he knew he was going to lose. He was winded but Connor had seemingly found his zone. Jude watched as the small stutter steps he took with his hands came less and less often until he stood almost motionless above the pitcher's mound. While Jude struggled through his third lap of simple bipedal humanity, Connor defied it without effort.

"You're killing me," he called, his foot stepping over home plate for the fourth time and refusing to take him any further. Unless of course it was at a slower pace towards Connor. Connor didn't answer though. "What're you doing anyway?"

"Try it. It's good for the triceps. Push-ups are for the weak."

Jude didn't even know how to go about trying. He flicked his eyes back and forth between his hands, the ground and Connor a couple times hoping for some instructional diagram to appear. When it didn't and Connor didn't offer any further advice, Jude bent over, placed his palms into the gritty, hard packed sand, kicked his legs into the air, and promptly toppled head first into the ground.

"There you go! Starting to feel the burn yet?"

"Oh I feel it," he said shooting Connor a glare. Connor just laughed, his arms shaking for the first time since Jude had arrived. "I'm going to go do stairs." He stood up, walked a few steps, bent back down and kicked off again. And again toppled head over heels. "Yup. Stairs." He smiled though as he made his way over to the bleachers. It was impossible not to listening to Connor's laugh float out over the quiet, deserted field.

The smile stayed on his face as his shoes hammered up the wooden steps. They creaked and wheezed beneath him and Jude knew he had found the flaw in the otherwise pristine baseball field. In an odd way he found comfort in that flaw. Maybe because there was always a flaw. It was all he knew. Each new home had one. Before this one, that flaw had always stripped it of that title leaving it as just another house on another street. He hadn't found the flaw with Stef and Lena yet. Maybe it was that they weren't the traditional heterosexual couple. Obviously that was only a flaw to some, as most flaws were, and in Jude's case, he probably couldn't have asked for anything better. Old, rickety bleachers weren't as ideal as a practically certified LGBT safe home but it was a flaw he could live with. It added character to the model show home look of the field. In every rivet stress Jude could hear all the other kids who had ran up and down the steps. They may have just been running back and forth but they were striving for something, trying to better themselves, trying to strip that teenage motivation of its oxymoron status. And he could hear all the parents yelling and stomping and cheering in that overly competitive way that road the borderline of support and delusion. He was probably naïve to think so but Jude would take borderline delusional over abusive any day and so as his foot pushed off each step, he tried to absorb all of that extra, over the top, support that had been left there on the bleachers when the refs kicked the parents out of the game and the kids were too embarrassed to embrace it. Most importantly though, if the inevitable flaw existed here, that meant it wouldn't creep up unexpectedly elsewhere throughout the summer.

He was on set seven when Connor's arms finally gave in. By set eight, Connor was walking his way. Set nine, he'd taken a seat on the bottom bench. And after he'd finally finished set ten, Connor asked "Do you want to grab lunch?"

Jude paused, suddenly thankful for his heavy breath and the excuse it gave him to not answer right away. This was it. If he said yes, he'd be stepping off that borderline. It would no longer be happen stance that they ran into each other. And sure, friends could get lunch too but this wouldn't be that. That was too far of a stretch and Connor had never bought any of it anyway. Jude wondered if he'd seem like more of a joke if he gave in now or if continued to deny it. Giving in though just opened up a whole new plethora of ways in which he could make a fool of himself. They began and ended with the fact that he'd never had a boyfriend before. He didn't know how to kiss or cuddle or what made a good date. And maybe it was that inexperienced innocence that had appealed to Connor but that was more disturbing than comforting. The whole idea of attaching himself to a boy seemed frivolous and reckless and there were so many reasons to say no but he looked down to where Connor was sitting on the bleachers, eyes wide and unashamed and Jude just had to say yes.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So," Jude said after they'd ordered. "Did Coach used to work here or something?"

"What?" Connor said tilting his head to the side like a confused puppy would. "That is probably one of the weirdest, most random question anyone has ever asked. Like in the history of question asking," he laughed.

"No," Jude protested meekly, Connor's laughter still as infectious as it was on the field. He nodded to the neon sign hanging over the long diner counter that stretched the length of the 1950s style restaurant. Jude had seen the place dozens of times but had never paid it any attention. It was cute though, as was the boy sitting across from him and in an unexpected way Connor seemed to fit right in with their red vinyl booth. Jude thought it was the collar. He'd thrown on a flannel after they finished working out and had buttoned it right to the top instead of leaving it open. The collar framed his features, the big round eyes, the plump pink lips, in a way the bandana and the strange way it poofed up his hair never did. "Shake Shack. Like is that why you call him Shakes?"

"Ahh," Connor beamed and god Jude was in awe of that smile. The upturned corners of his mouth looked like they lifted his entire body. It was so bright and free that there was no hint of some previous frown. Many times Jude had heard the saying that without the dark, one could not know the light. But Connor's smile, his real smile, not the mischievous one he twisted into a smirk, wasn't simply a manifestation of the light, it seemed to define it entirely. At least that's what Jude thought as he sat across from him with the knowledge that he had somehow been the cause of it. "Good guess but no."

"Why then?"

"You have to figure it out on your own, I'm afraid," Connor said leaning back in his chair, straightening up his shoulders and slipping that smile back into a smirk. "Don't worry though, I think it's pretty obvious."

That was of little comfort really. Mainstream thought and action were not really Connor's strengths. The bandana instead of a baseball hat, the nail polish, the way he had ordered a side of mayo with his fries – "It's a European thing," he'd shrugged when Jude raised an eyebrow – none of those were obvious and yet he walked around every day like they were the most normal, mundane things in the world. Jude would have never thought to do hand stands to build up his arms and so he highly questioned his ability to guess the reason, Connor's reason, for the name.

"Have you been to Europe?" Jude asked when their food arrive and he watched Connor proceed to dunk a french fry in the little bowl of mayo that usually held ketchup.

"No. My dad goes for work quite a bit. It always seems to be baseball season though so I can't go."

"That sucks. Well I've never even been out of California so you're not the only one."

"What? That's insane. How is that even possible?"

Jude had heard those words and that reaction before, it becoming more incredulous to people as the years went on. The way Connor said it was different somehow though. He was still surprised but his tone lacked the judgement that Jude was used to hearing. So he decided to answer. "We're uh, me and my sister-"

"I didn't know you had a sister."

"Oh, yeah, Callie. She's seventeen."

"What's she like? You get along?"

"We used to more so than now. She's gone a little… wild."

"Interesting."

"Very. Anyways, we're in the foster system. And we've been bounced around a lot and trips were never a priority for the families."

"Oh." Connor kind of froze then for a second, his hand stopping midway to his mouth. That was what Jude was afraid of. That's what he was always afraid of. No one ever knew what to say when they found out and so they stopped saying anything at all. Jude didn't blame them but that didn't make it any easier. But then Connor smiled again, that same bright smile like before. "So that's why you can't surf."

"Hey! I stood up!" He countered feigning offence.

"You did," Connor agreed. "But when you live five minutes from the beach, you learn to stand up when you're six. You looked good today on your skate board though," he added with a hint of a smirk.

"Thanks," Jude said ducking his head a little.

"Had to get good at your own transportation?"

Jude popped his head back up, a sudden wave of comfort washing over him. No one had ever made connections like that before. Probably because no one cared to look for them. Connor was the first. "Yeah. Exactly."

Connor smiled. "I haven't ridden mine in years. Can you do any tricks?"

"No. I used to try but it's not really my thing."

"What is your thing?"

Jude hated this question. He never had an acceptable answer because knowing legal terminology like 'Cease Reunification,' 'Maintenance Payment,' and 'Respite Care' or knowing how to pack up his life in under a minute was not something others knew how to handle. "Nothing, I guess," he shrugged, as he usually did.

Connor raise an eyebrow at him. "Well," he said. "Europe is good for that. Finding yourself and all. That's what they say at least."

"That is what they say," he nodded.

"We'll get there eventually. Plenty of time. I definitely want to go to Germany. Lots of homoerotic undertones there." When Jude didn't say anything Connor lifted his head. "Oh, right," he smirked with a wink. "Anyway, Berlin is still on my bucket list. During the pride parade. You've never done pride until you've done Berlin pride."

"It's not that - I just…" Jude tried to explain. He looked around. The little diner wasn't empty but no one was paying them any attention. "I've just never really… Being gay and like being gay are very different things." And there it was. Right out of the gate. He'd said something that made him look like a pathetic child. He looked down, past his plate of food, boring a whole in the table with his eyes and then through his feet and the floor, desperately wishing if he thought hard enough about it, he'd sink right in.

"True," Connor shrugged. "But what's the fun in being gay if you don't get to be gay. Internal struggle against the heteronormative current and constant outsider syndrome needs some sort relief. And well that comes from, you know, relief. Which is hard to get from girls if they're not your thing and that leaves just one option."

Jude felt his cheeks heat up at the mention of 'relief.' He looked back up tentatively, half expecting Connor to be pointing at himself. He wasn't though. He was just dunking another french fry into his mayo. "You wanna try? It's good. Europe knows a thing or two. They have been a civilization for like thousands of years."

Jude nodded, not really knowing what else to do. But maybe that was because there was nothing else to do. He reached across the table to dip just the very tip of one of his own fries into Connor's mayo. "I think the Native Americans would argue that America has too."

"Touche. Cute and wise. So?"

"It's good," Jude nodded, ignoring the observation.

"Better than ketchup?"

"Maybe." It was definitely less acidic and less sugary. It didn't burn the back of his throat.

"See, I think I just converted you."

Jude felt Connor's foot tap his under the table. It was so gentle that Jude could have easily thought it was an accident. He knew it wasn't though. Connor may not do mainstream but what he did was done with intent. When he didn't pull his foot away and tuck it under his chair, the reflexes in his leg started to tingle. Or maybe it was something else. Either way, Jude kept his foot where it was and Connor's came to rest beside his. "Maybe," he answered, turning his ankle in a bit to nudge Connor back.


	4. Chapter 4

"Are you sure you're going to be okay," Lena asked for ninth time that morning, glancing over at him as she drove him to the field. Jude started keeping count after she'd expressed her concern three times while pouring him a bowl of cereal. Every year apparently the team went away for a long weekend retreat. They rented out a lodge up the coast with a few other summer teams. Coach said it was so they could brush up real game play and work on their strategizing but Connor said it so they could actually get a vacation during the summer. He said the beach and the nightly campfires were the real reason everyone looked forward to the little getaway. To Jude, it sounded perfect. He'd never even had a typical summer, let alone a typical summer vacation. Stef and Lena had expressed wanting to take them away somewhere but with Callie's probation, it wasn't possible. There was nothing stopping Jude though. Callie's life had always seeped into his some way or another but not this time and that was a very liberating feeling. Even Lena's overprotectiveness couldn't squash it.

"Yes. I'm sure. It's just for four nights."

"I know, I know. It's just it's your first time away."

It was true but to Jude the words sounded odd. He hadn't grown up there after all. He'd spent the vast majority of his life elsewhere. Where exactly, he couldn't say. The seedy underworld of society's forgotten children was not always a physical location on a map. And after surviving all that, after being hauled back to the surface, it was weird to have someone so concerned that he wouldn't be okay to spend four nights away at baseball camp. He highly doubted baseball camp would even come close to the 'not home' away he was used to.

Jude didn't tell her any of that though. Even though it should, he didn't think it would make her feel better. Instead he just nodded and smiled. "I know. I'm excited."

"Good. We're excited for you, Bud. Okay," she said as they pulled into the parking lot. "Are you sure you have everything?"

"Yes."

"All your baseball stuff? Your batting glove? Clothes for after practice?"

"Yes," he nodded, opening his door. "I got everything."

"Hey Jude!"

He'd barely stepped out of the car when he heard his name called. By now he recognized the voice. Always strong and a little louder and a little lower than his own. No more need for the bright blue bandana. "Hey," he called back, ducking his head back into the car to haul out his duffle bag.

"Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better," the voice sang out shamelessly, growing louder and louder before he felt hands grab his waist. He was beginning to recognize those too.

Jude rolled his eyes. "Original." In fact it was probably the least original thing he'd ever known Connor to do. Every poor kid named Jude suffered this fate along with every Sally, Jesse, Lucy, Danny, or Delilah. And yet as the strong, sure hands disappeared from his sides, Jude realized that until now, his inevitable serenade had never come. It was lame and cheesy and stupid but before his name had never been on anyone's radar long enough to make the connection. He turned around to face Connor.

"Can't be on all the time," Connor shrugged.

He stared for a minute, a little lost in awe and a little confused as to what Connor was referring too. Connor cocked an eyebrow and his growing smirk seemed to get the neurons firing again. "Well I'm very disappointed," he managed, hoisting his bag onto his shoulder and turning back to the car. "Bye Lena."

"Bye. Have fun. Bye Connor," she waved. Jude shut the door and they both waved back before heading towards the bus and where Coach was standing, beer gut, faded cap, clip board, and all. They hadn't walked five steps before Connor grabbed his arm and tugged him sideways.

"Nope. Not yet," he said as flashbacks of the first day of camp conjured in Jude's head. "That's all you're taking, right?" Connor asked pointing to his bag and Jude nodded. They stopped behind a bench at the edge of the parking lot. Peering over the back, Jude saw Connor's surf board and a guitar case.

"Clearly it's not all you're taking."

"Yeah well you heard Shakes. 'One bag and one extra only.'"

"Yeah, yeah," Jude smiled, reaching over and gabbing the guitar case. "You owe me."

"Don't worry," Connor winked. "I know."

And well that definitely made Jude worry. He didn't say so though. "I didn't know you played."

"He doesn't," said Marc, who came up behind them. Sieger, who was walking with him, started laughing.

"Oi!" Connor protested, although Jude could tell by his tone that he wasn't really upset. "Ouch! I don't know what planet you two live on but strumming chords in time and in key to a song is, on Earth, the definition of playing the guitar," he played along as they continued walking to the bus. A lump started forming in Jude's throat though. He didn't want to admit it, even to himself, but he knew why it was there. It was because he didn't get it. He didn't get the joke. He didn't know if Connor could play and he didn't know why the debate was a funny one. He was left alone, on the outside again and what made it worse was that he knew it was dumb. He knew any normal person wouldn't be bothered by standing in the middle of some almost scripted banter, head swiveling back and forth, mouth forcing a smile or a light chuckle at calculated moments. A normal person would understand that there were bound to be inside jokes between people who had been friends for years before they had come along and that engaging in those jokes was not a direct ostracization of them. And once again Jude was reminded just how abnormal he was. Because clearly, he didn't understand. Maybe on the surface he did and that's what kept him nodding along but further down, each forced laugh ripped at something. It ripped at the part of him that knew that normal people understood completely because they had once before in their lives been on the inside and so they could see a future where they could possibly be again. Jude had never been on the inside. Kids were mean, kids were quick to judge, and kids were quick to draw an unbreachable ring around their inner circle that excluded the new kid, the foster kid, the kid with the dead mom and the dad in jail for killing her.

"Yeah. Right," Sieger agreed. "But that's not what you do. What you do is memorize, or have done, I should say, is memorize one, I repeat, one song and insist on playing it."

"There! Right there! I insist on what now? Oh right, I insist on playing it. Play-ing it!"

"It's not even a real song."

Connor stopped walking then and Jude heard him gasp in some sort of overdramatic horror. He didn't stop to observe whatever hand gesture or pose he'd chosen to accompany it though. Instead, he swallowed hard, to burry all the doubt and isolation and insignificance and kept walking towards the bus.

"Jacobs," Coach greeted when he stepped up to him, the guitar case still in his hand. "Okay let's see, Jacobs, Jacobs, Jacobs. Where the blo – Ah, Jacobs. There we go." There were only thirteen names on that list and yet Will struggled to find them each and every time. Usually Jude found it funny. Usually, Connor and some of the other guys would stand beside him and all begin giving him their names too just to watch his eyes bug out and his tongue get all twisted and his head near explode. Today though, Jude was by himself. "Okay one bag, one guitar. It'll be nice to hear a new song this year. You any good?"

Jude shrugged. Will was even in on the joke. Adult, authority figures were not supposed to have further access to the inner circle than fellow peers. That was just adolescent law. "Just picked it up, really," he said as he climbed the three steps onto the bus. He took an empty seat in the middle on the left hand side and placed the guitar case on the empty seat across the aisle and his bag beside him and then scooted over to the window.

Even though he couldn't see them he could still hear them. "Alright, let's get a move on, boys," Will called. He listened as their laughter died as they put their charade aside. "Stevens. Stevens, Stevens, Stevens. God dammit, you'd think I was blind or some – Stevens! There. Okay, bag and su – and bloody surf board. I swear I don't know why you boys are here and not in surf camp. That's the forth one."

And really, the listening was just as bad. He'd let himself become absorbed in this fantasy world of regular kids over the last month and so even though he tried to focus on the cars driving by, he couldn't. While their speed stayed the same, they became more and more blurry as his eyes refocused on the greying window pane, the blank surface allowing his mind to process the conversation happening outside without him instead of pushing it back and away, and reducing it to a sort of white noise like he had wanted. It also created the perfect screen for his imagination to conjure and project the scene unfolding outside just as he'd seen it many times before: Will fiddling with his cap, lifting it up and pulling it back down as his brow furrowed further as he searched for the elusive name; Connor inching forward to peer over the clip board before being swatted away by it, defending his act by stating he was just trying to help when really he was trying to be a smart ass; Marc and Sieger laughing behind him. He might as well have just been standing with them.

"Wait," Will said. "No guitar? – Oh you roped the new kid into taking, didn't you?"

New Kid. The words cut as if they had shattered the window in front of him and sent shards of glass hurtling towards his body. Again, Jude knew there was no harm meant by it. Coach even seemed to be on his side, concerned that Connor's in-your-face approach had swamped him. But again, that didn't stop sting as the glass broke through the first layer of skin and that alone made it slide easier, reaching deeper, right down to his bones.

"He has a name, Shakes. It's Jude. And I guess you'll just have to wait and see."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day was quiet. To everyone else, it probably didn't seem so but to Jude it did. The world tended to do that, to collapse in around him so that he was cocooned within a sphere no bigger than the span of his arms. The chaos could continue all around him, road trip shenanigans, races to pick the best bed, steeling pillows, and within Jude's little bubble, it was just quiet. He had always said that he liked the quiet, and he did. When his natural sleep cycle woke him up in the night and there were no kids playing outside, no dogs barking, no floor boards creaking, or pots and pans banging in the kitchen, and it was all just quiet, that was one of the little moments in life that Jude loved. That was his stop-and-smell-the-roses moment. For others it could be something that was easily missed and overlooked but to Jude who had seen many things in his life go wrong, listening to that almost nothing hum as the world slept as it was supposed to around him was comforting, one of those things that helped keep his dreams free of nightmares when he did eventually close his eyes again.

This was a very different kind of quiet though and Jude struggled at times to admit it. It wasn't comforting or satisfying or rejuvenating. There was heaviness to the bubble that sat over his shoulders. Pretending he didn't feel the weight, Jude carried on his life taking too much pride in the way people described him as shy or someone who liked to keep to themselves.

"More of the observer, aren't you Jacobs?" Coach asked when he walked into the bunk house shortly after dinner. Some sort of pillow fight wrestling match had erupted but Jude had stayed out of it. Instead, he sat on his bunk, the one at the end of the row near the door, fiddling with the strings on his glove.

"Yeah, it's a little wild for me," he smiled.

"Well good. That's a good skill to have on the field. Figure out what the other team's strengths and weaknesses are and how to use it against them," he said walking over to the light switch. He flicked it off and on and then off and on again. The pillows kept hurtling through the air though. "It'll be double laps tomorrow if ya'll don't settle down," he boomed. That seemed to work better. "Now if you boys want a campfire, we're going to need fire wood. So chop chop." He looked back to Jude. "Get it?" he chuckled.

Happy to have something to do away from the rest of the guys, Jude headed out into the wooded area behind the cabin. He didn't know much about campfires, if smaller sticks or bigger branch like logs were better. He went smaller though. It meant he could pick up a carry more before having to head back. The weight of his bubble started to lift as he walked further and further, the woods growing darker as the trees grew closer. It was still quiet, apart from the crunch under his feet and the waves rolling in in the distance, but now it was comforting kind. Jude felt like he could have walked forever, picking up sticks until his arms were full and then just keep on going.

The ground crunched a little ways off to his left. He looked to see Connor with his own armful of smaller sticks, the colour of his bandana still just visible in the dying rays of the sun still making their way through the trees. As he walked, Connor's steps grew louder until eventually they were walking side by side. Connor reached out with the stick in his right hand and tapped it against Jude's pile, the knocking sound echoing between the quiet trees. Jude tapped his pile back and listened as the echo faded into Connor's laugh.

"You, um, you doing okay?" Connor asked. "You've been really quiet."

Jude shrugged. "A little cold maybe." The forest didn't retain the sun's heat like the city did. Jude suspected the lack of pavement had something to do with it. Or maybe it had just been a cooler day. Either way, his t-shirt was beginning to feel a little too thin.

"Okay, well that's easily solved," Connor said with a smile. He stopped walking and set down his pile of wood before shrugging off his flannel shirt.

"Oh, no. Connor, you really don't have to," he said, the words sounding as fumbling in his ear as he suddenly felt.

"Here." Connor held out the shirt with one arm and with the other, took his pile of fire wood.

It was soft. That was the first thing Jude noticed when he relented and pulled it over his arms. It was warm too, more so than the hoodie he'd been wishing he'd thrown on before leaving the cabin. His hoodie hadn't been wrapped around a boy all afternoon though. It probably didn't smell as good either. The forest pine faded away behind something citrusy and that illusive smell of summer rain on rock only stronger. He knew it was just Connor's generic brand deodorant that he watched him slap on after practice every day. Being engulfed by it was different though and much, much better. "Thanks," he finally mustered, bending down to pick up Connor's pile of fire wood to avoid eye contact.

"Anytime," Connor said ducking his head a little so Jude had to look at him once he had stood back up. Somehow, it made Jude forget all about his previous wishes to be taller.

"What?"

"Nothing," Connor smiled and Jude was suddenly aware that at some point they had stepped closer to each other and how walking forever into the woods no longer held as much appeal now that he was standing, looking into Connor's honey brown eyes, wrapped in what essential felt like a piece of him. This seemed far better. He watched as Connor sucked the inside on his lower lip between his teeth and gnawed on the flesh, seemingly trying to coax out the answer to whatever question was swirling in his head. And when he didn't look away, Jude swore he could see Connor leaning in.

"Hurry up with the wood, guys. The fire's going to go out," came a shout from the distance.

Jude jumped back a bit and turned back towards the lodge. A flickering orange glow could be seen through the trees, the only light around now that the sun had sunk below the western seas.


	5. Chapter 5

"Be careful. Careful," Connor said, leaning into his shoulder.

"It's fine," Jude laughed, pulling his marshmallow away from the fire pit and waving its perfect golden colour in Connor's face. He did find himself leaning back into Connor as he spoke though. "See. You should worry about your own."

"Oh crap!" Connor yanked his arm back and began blowing profusely on the blackened torch that had once been a marshmallow.

"What happened, Steven's?" Marc asked. "Get distracted."

Jude busied himself with the graham crackers and chocolate, pretending he didn't hear or didn't understand the implications of the remark. He had noticed Marc's eyes flick back and forth between them when they had returned with the fire wood and small wardrobe tweak. He hadn't said anything then though and so Jude had thought they might be in the clear and had maybe let himself get a little too comfortable sitting next to Connor. He was paying for it now though with reddening cheeks illuminated by fire in front of him. It was easy to make little things like that disappear if you didn't let them fluster you but he hadn't figured that one out yet.

"No, man. See, I like'em burnt," Connor said. "The earthy charcoal taste and how is crunches in your mouth. It's what true men eat."

Connor certainly had. And as much as he admired him for it, Connor's boldness worried Jude. Connor didn't seem to care who knew what or even who thought they knew what. He was confident enough not only with his sexuality but just with himself in general that there was nothing anyone could hold over his head. Jude was sure that if he had been a little more receptive to his advances, Connor would have simply stood up and proclaimed some cringe worthy thing along the lines of "well who wouldn't be distracted by Jude and his cute little smile?" He didn't though. Instead he deflected in a way that would put all the attention on himself and take any boring eyes off Jude.

"See boys," Connor said, popping the ashy marshmallow in his mouth. "No chocolate non-sense. That's for the weak."

Jude smiled as he bit into his own s'more. It was sweeter than he remembered. But he had been young and so maybe it was only Callie's retelling that he truly remembered. And she never described how the chocolate felt warm and how the crunch of the graham cracker was so satisfying amongst the gooey sugar. Mostly though he smiled because of Connor and the image of him sitting on his board out on the waveless ocean playing in his head. The bandana, the nail polish, and now things being for the weak. He had another little something to add to his collection.

"Okay, okay, everyone got their s'mores? 'Cause it's show time boys and… boys," Connor said, standing up from seat. While everyone launched into mock protest, Jude grabbed two more marshmallows and found a good little pocket in the flames for them and settled in for whatever strange tradition was about to unfold. He braced himself for the tightness to pull across his chest.

Connor moved around the circle from where they were sitting so he was facing Jude. He propped his left leg up on a log and rested the guitar on his thigh. The blue nail polish sparkled off his fingers in the fire light and in a weird way Jude was mesmerized by it. At times the angle would be just right that the blue shone white for a second before Connor shifted again to the next chord like the white caps of waves before they crashed. Jude got so caught in the rolling movement that he missed Connor's count down and was startled when the circle erupted in chorus.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine  
You make me happy when skies are grey  
You never know dear, how much I love you  
So please don't take my sunshine away

He was surprised again when the song kept going. He'd heard that first part before, though he couldn't remember where, but never anything beyond it.

The other night dear, as I lay sleepin'  
I dreamed, I held you in my arms  
When I awoke dear, I was mistaken  
So I hung my head and I cry

Jude laughed as Connor dramatically dropped his head and bounced his shoulders as he strummed back into the chorus. As he sung he cocked his jaw further and further to the right in order to force some weird accent that Jude guessed was supposed to be a southern drawl. It sounded more like a dying cat at times and Jude started wondering if he'd ever dislocated his jaw during a performance.

You told me once dear, you really loved me

It got quiet then, when the second verse started. Jude looked around at the rest of the guys who had stopped singing, leaving Connor to carry on alone. He looked back to Connor when he started talking instead of singing the next line. "Six years, guys," he said exasperated. "We've been doing this for six years and ya'll idiots still only know the first verse. Pathetic."

"Yeah, yeah. Shut up and sing, Stevens," Marc called and Jude caught the glimpse of the marshmallow being hurled across the fire pit. He glanced over to where Coach had set up a lawn chair to see if there would be any adult protest to the childish antics but he had found a log to rest his feet on and had pulled his faded baseball cap down over his eyes. Amused, Jude thought he looked prepared for it in a way, like he knew the chaos was coming and he'd given up years ago on trying to step in so he now just accepted it and blocked out what he could.

"Oi! Do you mind? We have a guest," he said nodding in Jude's direction. He had been strumming the tune through all the banter and when his fingers got back to right chord progression, he started singing again.

And no one else could come between  
But now you've left me and you love another  
And you have shattered all my dreams

He seemed more focused now. And maybe it was because it wasn't for the other guys anymore. They had their sing along and now it was time for something new. His jaw slowly slide back to its normal alignment and his eyes narrowed in on Jude's. It was like the rest of the team wasn't even there anymore, like they had all faded into the black back drop that hid the ocean and the cabin and the woods, just out of the flame's reach. Their voices disappeared too. Even when they chimed back in on the chorus, Jude didn't notice. He began to move his mouth along to the familiar words but he made no sound and so it was only Connor, still sure and deep and strong, that he could hear. All the playful banter that had been tossed back and forth over his head all day got caught in the heavy smoke dancing off the fire and funneled upwards and away. And despite the tickle at his nose, Jude thought the air seemed lighter now. He could finally breathe. He could finally relax and let himself sink into the moment.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The relaxation backfired when Will called lights out and flipped the switch by the door. It wasn't instantaneous or anything but the other boys eventually settled down and the dark cabin grew quiet enough that he could hear the ocean outside. He had allowed himself to drift so far and completely into Connor's little performance that now the usual soothing sound of the waves crashing on the beach was making his heart race. It all just kept replaying in his mind. The lyrics, the new ones that he hadn't heard before. The way he was able to push everything else aside for once and just focus on himself and what he wanted. Did that mean he wanted this? That was a question his mind teetered over, the clogs refusing to slow and let him sleep. It teetered back and forth and the waves rolled in one after the other and the imagine of Connor's fingers moving in perfect, comfortable rhythm appeared on the dark wall a few feet from his cot. They hadn't missed a beat. They hadn't wavered or sped or fumbled around the antics of anyone else. They were the anchor. They kept the time in the ever changing scene. Because it wasn't time that changed after all, time was the device that allowed everything else to change. Time was something Jude had never really had before. But as his mind raced with all of the new feelings and experiences, Jude realized that, now, maybe he finally had some.

He sat up slowly to avoid making any noise and swung his legs around the side of his bed to put on his shoes.

"You okay?" Connor whispered from the cot behind him.

"Can't sleep." He heard a rustle and turned to see Connor sitting up and pushing off his blanket. He paused as if waiting for Jude to protest. He thought about it. He didn't need Connor to come with him. It was never his initial intention. He hadn't even known Connor was still awake. But now that it was a possibility, the idea didn't bother him either. He found himself smiling without even really thinking about it and that seemed to be Connor's queue to continue reaching for his own shoes.

When he had decided to get up, Jude hadn't really had a plan beyond getting out of the cruel torture that was a sleepless bed. Once outside, the first thing he saw were the trees on the edge of the clearing and he thought about how earlier he had wanted to just walk forever into the shelter of the woods. Now, while everyone else slept, his walk wouldn't be interrupted. He finally had time. Stepping towards them however, Jude spotted the surf boards leaning against their trunks and his mind shifted. With true purpose now, he walked up to the four boards and grabbed Connor's, the painting making it easy to spot. He knew it was sort of rude not to ask but he felt the weight shift in his arm almost as soon as he picked it up, Connor grabbing the back end and helping him towards the water. Connor remained quiet as they walked and his pace never threatened to overtake Jude's. He simply let Jude lead, a position Jude rarely saw. In foster care, his life was always forced this and that by strangers. He never got a say. He had one now though. He had a say and he had someone who would support whatever choice he made. That new freedom was such a contrast to the world he'd grown up in and even from that first day of practise when Connor grabbed him arm and claimed him as his stretching partner. It was overwhelming in the way it seemed to rush in off the open water on the wind. It unsteadied him but it also felt like if he jumped at just the right moment, it would carry him anywhere he could possibly want.

When the settled tide became a threat to their shoes, they set down the board. Connor stood still then, just watching him and so Jude toed off his shoes, pulled his t-shirt over his head, and pushed his sweatpants from his hips. It wasn't until he was standing in only his boxers that Connor followed suit under the full moon hung low over the endless sea. They say the world's oceans are heat sinks, able to absorb unlimited amounts of energy and remain at a constant temperature due to their vast size. Tonight though, Jude thought it was acting more like a light sink. In front of him was black. Just black. It was almost like a wall and it was impossible to distinguish the line between sky and sea. The low hanging moon was the only thing that managed to break through. Each small wave swallowed its silver reflection, sinking it down to unchartered depths, but the moon persisted. There was a hint of shimmer in the water tickling his toes and Jude suddenly felt an ache to follow its trail and break through that wall too.

He picked the board up off the sand and stepped forwards. And again. And it wasn't until the water was past his knees that Connor caught up to him. He guided the board in front of himself then and pushed his body up onto its smooth surface, his chest hovering above the angry God and his hail storm of lightning bolts. "Coming?" he asked, turning his back to Connor.

"Right behind you." The board dipped as Connor followed, settling between his legs. As they paddled, their arms falling into sync, Jude was very aware of how close Connor was and how warm his bare skin felt against his own. It wasn't in a bad way though. He didn't feel trapped or a need to scoot away he just didn't know how to not notice it or think about it. And paddling out into the black, there was little else to focus on.

The further they paddled, the calmer the ocean became. The waves seemed to cease all together, hovering in that odd limbo before the tides turned. At least Jude had always found it odd, that this magnificently vast amount of liquid could be so still and how seemingly out of nowhere, it would turn into a roller coaster. He wasn't so far behind in school that he didn't know about the gravitational force if the sun and the moon but that stuff only seemed relevant on tests. But now that he was finally experiencing summer as intended, all that other stuff seemed so far away. Really, Connor was the only thing that wasn't shrouded in a foggy memory and his words, the ones that Jude had overlooked before, suddenly stood out from the black. "You don't need waves to surf." It was metaphorical of course, but Jude could see the truth in it now.

He felt Connor's chin come to rest on his back and felt them slow as he stopped paddling. "Jude, look," he mumbled.

He felt the words more than he heard them, Connor's breath drifting over his bare skin. Shivering at the closeness and almost tenderness of it all, Jude looked up, a head along the moon's reflection, the only place where it wasn't just black. At first all he could see was the smooth glassy like surface of the water, a few ripples here and there concentrating the light from the moon on their peaks. He waited though, trusting in the soft excitement of Connor's voice that there really was something out there, something to be awed at and not afraid of. It took a moment but then he saw the fin and arching, grey curve. And then he saw another and another as the pod made their way south not twenty yards in front of them.

Slowly he sat up, letting his legs dangle in the dark water below. Connor did the same behind him and Jude didn't miss the way he scooted up close. There was something mesmerizing about it all really. It was as if the Shakespearean world stage had shrunk to the small sliver of light where they floated, and some actors, some outside beings, were dictating their actions as if they themselves were the characters being brought to life. Jude had an idea of where the script was heading. It was new to him though and the dialogue and stage cues were vague in his head before spoken or done. It still felt right somehow though, like he was being guided through it all by some mystical playwright above. So he let himself sink back into Connor's bare chest, his skin finally able to relax against the touch and the way Connor hooked his chin over his shoulder. He let his fears and quick judgments about the other boy slip away as he too, sat enthralled in the simple beauty of the passing dolphins and the way they swam through the dark sea, trusting in whatever being was guiding them south and trusting in each other. It was probably something he should have noticed a long time ago but Jude wasn't used to lacks of ulterior motives or innocent attention. Connor hadn't gotten bored or fed up yet though. He seemed happy to wait patiently, shuffling forward only inches at a time.

He found Connor's hand, resting lightly on the board behind him and twined their fingers together. He felt a faint brush against his cheek and lips in the groove just behind his jaw bone. His skin tingled in a good way, warming despite the cooling night as the sun relinquished its hold. He turned towards Connor and their cheeks brushed as Connor pulled back. His lips sat parted, his eyes wide and their question and regret and hope catching in light of the moon shining down on them. Jude smiled, caught in the daze of having someone truly care. It was a sight that made his heart flutter and his stomach flip flop and his lips drift into Connor's.

He could tell Connor hadn't been excepting that response by the way his lips sat frozen against his own. And he felt fumbly and awkward and no idea if he was moving his lips right. He was about to pull away, insecurity beginning to take over but Connor stopped him, kissing him back. They found their rhythm and Connor's free hand made its way to his waist and Jude noticed that he tasted sweeter this time, the sharp ocean salt not yet having a chance to soak in. The angle was weird and his neck and his spine made this fact known but he didn't care. He wanted to spend the rest of whatever time he had just like this, alone, out on the endless ocean, lips and fingers and mind tangled in Connor.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning was an early one. The mini tournament started that day and even though their first game wasn't until the late afternoon, Coach insisted that they watch the other teams. They lined up haphazardly just past the foul line to the left of the players bench. Couch paced back and forth along the line talking about how important it was to watch your opponents. "This isn't just about developing your batting skills, it's about developing your observation skills too. You can learn a lot from watching. Who hits low? Who steels? Who runs when they shouldn't? Who would rather stay and play it safe? Where are they hitting? Where are they throwing? Which catches are they making and missing? You figure all that out and you can build a batting line around it. Figure out how to load your bases and keep them from loading theirs. You'll know when to run before your teammate even hits the ball. This isn't a brute force game. It's slow, methodical. So you need to know how to use that. You need to know how to build plays, how to build your game."

Connor snickered beside him and Jude figured this must be another little tradition and that the boys could recite the little speech word for word.

"Am I interrupting, Stevens?"

"Not at all, Shakes," Jude watched Connor beam with his signature cheesy grin.

Coach seemed satisfied and carried on, walking away from them, down the line.

"He's sure interrupting my morning surf," Marc whispered, leaning over him so Connor could hear. "First wave of the trip sounds pretty sweet."

"Yeah. Sure does," Connor nodded before winking at him. And Jude had to bite down on his bottom lip to hide his grin. Because it wasn't just last night's events or the fact that they had been beaten everyone else out onto the water, it was that he knew. He knew Connor counted them as first because of his weird 'You don't need waves to surf' thing. And it was that he knew when no one else did. He was finally in on the joke.

By the bottom of the third inning, Jude noticed the early morning after the late night around the campfire beginning to catch up with the guys around him. Heads were nodding, eyes were drooping and yawning fits ran up and down the line in waves. A few guys had given up completely and had laid down, turning their bodies so they could at least pretend to have their eyes open and be watching the game.

Surprisingly, Jude didn't find himself tired at all. He didn't know how long they had spent out on the water. It had felt long, long in a good way. It had felt like he could finally stop running or calculating his next move and just settle into the arms wrapped snuggly around his waist and just be as the world turned around him. The feeling was new and it was exciting and calming all in one. Jude had wanted to explore it so they had watched the dolphins pass and then the stars and the moon and their reflection on the still water. When they had eventually paddled back to shore and walked back to the lodge though, the sun had still been well hidden behind the curve to the earth and the true chill of night that set in around four had not yet hit. Still, he had expected himself to feel it more this morning. Maybe he was feeling it though and tired just wasn't the result. Had this whole Connor thing been weighing that heavily on him that it had disrupted his sleep for the last month? Had finally giving in to his overeager heart really settled that tension in his head so much that in half the amount of time, he actually got a better, more restful sleep? Was that even healthy, to be so caught up in some silly crush to actually be losing sleep over it? It couldn't be. There were too many other things that needed his attention. Or at least there used to be. Now though, Jude supposed he didn't have to worry about scrounging up his own meals or judging the moods of the adults in the house to best avoid getting hit. He didn't have to police Callie to make sure she wasn't taken away. And it was summer, so he didn't even need to worry about school work and making sure he wouldn't be another statistic of a foster kid falling too far behind. He didn't have to worry about it now anyways because whatever that tension was seemed to have melted away with Connor's kiss.

Jude was a little worried however about how much he stood out from the rest by being the only one awake enough to focus on the game. He didn't want to rouse suspicion. And as counterintuitive as it all was, Jude wouldn't put it past the other guys to piece the gist of it all together. It wasn't that he didn't want anyone to know necessarily, Jude just thought there were better ways than admitting to sneaking down to the beach in the middle of the night. It also wouldn't be just his and Connor's anymore. So in between pulling up blades of grass and placing them in a pile on Connor's knee, Jude slipped in a few yawns as the wave passed him just to be safe.

"Okay, this guy, number four," Jude said leaning maybe a little unnecessarily far into Connor's shoulder. "He's gonna hit straight and high over second but it won't quite make it out."

"Yeah?" Connor turned his head in towards him and the memories of last night almost made him miss the hit. "Well waddya know," Connor said holding out his hand for a high five that Jude accepted with pride. "That'll be easy to catch it you know it's coming."

"He plays third too. Takes his foot off the base and then has to find it."

"No kidding? So we should be rushing third."

"Always."

"You notice number nine?" Connor asked.

"Yup," Jude nodded. "Hits low over third, stays at first, and then always tries to steel."

"Oh my god, Shakes is gonna love you."

"Well who doesn't?"

Jude was expecting Connor to say something in rebuttal but he just smiled. "Oi! Tommy! You hear that?" he called down the line to the team's catcher.

"Yeah, yeah. Nine steels third."

"Second," Jude corrected, rolling his eyes.

"Nine steels second."

"Yeah, second. Whatever. Some of us are trying to sleep, Stevens."

"You'll thank us when we save you extra laps," Connor called back.

Us. That was all Jude heard. Us and we.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jude had never glued his eyes to Connor's back harder. The tight, white, baseball pants that formed snuggly around his ass and thighs were certainly a helping factor but the out of focus number nine hovering in the left corner of his eye was the real reason. He was bouncing a little, on the balls of his feet, just ready to take off. Jude knew all they really had to do was just stop him from steeling but he also knew Connor never took the easy way and if they timed it right, they could get him out. It was a small window so Jude held his breath and refused to blink.

He saw the sprint first. It was mostly just a blur but that was all he needed, that and the thunder of cleats on the packed dirt. He resisted the reflexive instinct to turn and look at the incoming attack. Instead, he kept his eye on the bright red stitching being rolled between the blue finger nails. The heavy footsteps got louder and faster and Jude held his stance. They passed the point of scaring the kid back to first. And then he saw Connor's hand flex, his grip tighten, his body turn, and the ball hurtling through the air towards his open and waiting mitt. It landed in his grip with a thud and Jude had to fight its momentum to not step back and off the base as number nine was still sprinting towards it. He managed though, everyone's eyes now on him, the waiting batter long forgotten as he slumped back to the bench, number nine close behind him. Connor raised his mitt in the air, a sort of victory gesture and Jude tossed the ball back in to him. He took off his mitt as he walked back towards the bench, shaking out his hand. "Don't worry," Connor said, coming up beside him and throwing an arm over his shoulder. "I can be gentle too."

"You're such an idiot," Jude said giving his shoulder a shove.

"Watch it! The team's kinda depending on this arm."

"They let you where that in league games?" he asked pointing at Connor's bandana, still tied securely around his hair line.

"Yup," he grinned proudly, tossing his mitt onto the bench. "I have to put a cap over top so you can't really tell anyways but yeah."

"Why? Why do you where it, I mean?" Jude had known Connor for a month now and the only time he'd seen him without the bandana was when they went surfing, like actual surfing with waves, not the just sitting out on the water kind. It seemed like a bit of a security blanket to Jude and as soon as the words had left his mouth, he regretted asking Connor about it in the middle of a game. The way Connor turned towards him, his hands pausing where they had been pulling on batting gloves, confirmed his suspicions. He watched as Connor sucked the skin below his bottom lip between his teeth, seemingly trying to chew out the right answer. It was odd seeing Connor on the unsure end of their interaction. He wanted to say 'don't worry about it' or 'you can tell me later' but that seemed like it might make it worse in a way.

"It's a long story," Connor finally shrugged out in a tone that made the story sound funny, contradicting his earlier hesitation.

"Oh I have no doubt," he answered in an equally light and equally forced tone.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The early mornings and late nights, coupled with the fresh air and daily games finally caught up with Jude as they all clambered back onto the bus to head home. Walking down the aisle between the seats, he slowed his pace about half way, his entire body just wanting to be horizontal again as soon as possible. Connor told him to keep going though, so he did and ended up sliding into the seat at the very back. Connor slid in next to him. Everyone was quiet, dragging their feet like zombies, and still dressed in the sweats they had slept in. Jude didn't think it would have mattered if they were all singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall at the top of their lungs though. He's sure he would have drifted off against the window just as easily.

They were nearly home when he woke up. His blinking eyes noticed that first. Then they noticed that he'd traded the unforgiving window for the top of Connor's head where it was tucked into his shoulder. His dirty blond hair felt soft against his neck and his whole body just felt warm and snuggly. Jude watched him sleep for a while, amazed at how peaceful he was. Jude could always sense when there was someone watching him sleep and it always woke him up. Connor didn't seem to care though. Jude suspected he probably needed the sleep more. Pitching six games over four days, even if they were only seven innings, wasn't ideal. Around the campfire the night before Connor had been fidgety and kept rubbing at his shoulder. Jude had eventually stepped in and ordered him to sit on the ground in front of the log so he could give him a massage. He could feel the knots under his fingers and worked away at them as Connor roasted their marshmallows. No one had said anything. Jude didn't think anyone had really noticed. The team always partnered off to stretch after warm ups though so maybe post game care was just seen as part of that. Either way, he had been happy to do it, happy to explore the defined muscles on Connors back a little further, just as he was now happy to let him use his shoulder as a pillow.

"We're here," he whispered, leaning down so Connor could hear him as the bus pulled into the parking lot of the field. The campfire smoke still lingered in his hair but Jude liked it in a way. He felt an urge to press a kiss to the top of his head but Connor stirred awake before he got the chance.

"Thanks for the pillow," he said, blinking his eyes, his voice still groggy.

Jude smiled at the sight. "Anytime. You, uh, you want help with your bags? Your arms must still be wrecked."

Connor gave his arm a shake and a stretch, his face twisting into a slight wince. "Yeah actually. That'd be great."

They stumbled off the bus behind everyone else, Jude shouldering both duffle bags and holding the guitar case.

"Really," Connor said, twisting his body around as he walked a head of Jude. "You should be carrying my board. Give you some practice." Jude shuffled his load around so he could give him a shove, one of the duffle bags slipping down his body in the process. "Well that was just pathetic."

"Oh my god. It was," he laughed in defeat.

"It really was," said a familiar voice behind them.

Jude turned, surprised to see his sister. "Callie! I didn't know you were coming?"

"Yeah, thought we could grab something to eat. What's with the guitar?"

"Uh, oh it's Connor's," he said nodding to the boy standing next to him. "I was uh, actually going to walk-"

"Hey, don't worry about it," Connor cut in, reaching for his guitar.

"You sure?"

"Yeah," he smiled, taking his bag too. "Of course. It was nice to meet you, Callie. And I'll see you Monday, Jude," he said, patting Jude on the shoulder before walking over to where Coach was unloading the surf boards.

Callie said something but Jude didn't hear here. He simply replayed over and over the way Connor, without any sort of need to, had touched him and said his name.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This place is cool, isn't it?" Callie said over her menu.

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "The food is good too." It all felt unbalanced though, like he was teetering on the edge of a cliff. With each word he took another step and he just knew one of the rocks would give out eventually. It was familiar feeling. It greeted him at the new front door to every new foster home. The pleasantries lasted while their social worker was still there and maybe for a couple hours after, names, tours of the house, talk about the neighbourhood and the local school. The cliff made itself known though. 'Carly' and 'Jeff' were usually good signs. 'Don't touch that' was another. Raised voices and slamming doors followed quickly and then there was no stopping the avalanche that took them tumbling over the edge.

"You've been here before?"

"Oh, yeah." He paused. "With Connor."

He watched the corner of Callie's lip curl up, her eye brows raise. He rolled his eyes and looked back down at his menu. "Well what'd'ya know? I found myself a guy too."

"Wait what? Where? Isn't that like a parole violation?"

"Oh Jude, come on," she whined leaning forward to take his hand. "You're the only one on my side."

"Not anymore. Stef and Lena are on your side too." Callie rolled her eyes. "No, really. We've got it this time."

Callie sat back up, a small scowl forming on her face. Jude knew it was a bad sign. When Callie decided she couldn't trust someone, that was it, she was gone.

"What can I get for you two?" asked a waitress in pigtails and a pink polka dot skater skirt.

"I'll get the Shack burger with ice tea," Callie answered.

"I'll have the same. With a side of mayo though."

"A side of mayo?" Callie asked after the waitress had gone.

"Yeah. It's actually really good," he nodded, trying his best to seem open and keep the conversation going. "You should try it. Connor made me and-"

"So it's Connor's thing," she said, the raised eye brow returning.

"Yeah, I guess. So what?"

"Nothing. It's cute. But look. We're never going to be someone's kids, okay? We're too old. I'll eighteen in less than a year. If we want a family we need to be looking to start our own not joining someone else's."

"You're not pregnant, are you?" he blurted, eyes shooting wide.

"No! Oh my god no."

"Thank god."

"No, I didn't mean kids. I meant like a boyfriend. He has his own place and everything. Down on Alcalone."

"How old is he?"

"He's twenty. Nothing to worry about. It's better even because he's on his own and says I can move in anytime I want. And see you've got one too. You know. They don't care. Especially when we turn eighteen and they stop getting their cheques. You'll have him though."

"Okay well, see I don't think Stef and Lena are like the others. And Connor's only been my boyfriend for maybe three days but that's a big maybe because we've never really talked about it. So no, I don't really know that he'll be there. But mostly though, I'll be there. We'll have each other. Assuming of course you don't get sent back to juvie because of a parole violation."

"It's such a fucking stupid rule. It's like misogynistic church freaks slapping chastity belts on their daughters. Like it can't actually be legal for them to literally lock me away because I have a boyfriend. What if I say we're friends with benefits? Does that count? What if I say that we never talked about it, like you and Connor? Like, it makes no fucking sense."

"No, I agree," Jude nodded even though he wasn't really sure what he thought about it. Callie's guys had never done her any good but he did see her point as well. Keeping the peace was important though, so Jude went that. "But Callie, a lot of things make no fucking sense. You got locked up the first time for saving me from getting beat to death while the asshole just walked away. These are just the rules. They're fucked but you're almost out. Don't get free of one system just to get trapped in another."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, probably not my best chapter but i hope it suffices...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy thanksgiving to any fellow canadians. i hope the pumpkin pie sweetens this chapter up a bit

Up and down. Up and down. It was a little dizzying if Jude was being honest. His depth perception seemed to be fading with each toss and he wouldn't be surprised if he soon dropped the ball on his head. Hearing the front door open, Jude caught the ball and paused, waiting for the slam. It didn't come though and he was relieved. Callie had missed dinner. Again. And Stef and Lena had made that a pseudo curfew. She could go out after and be home again by midnight but she had to be home to eat. They weren't yelling but he could hear them from up in his room. He thought Stef and Lena sounded more exasperated than angry. Nothing they seemed to do helped. Or at least they saw it that way. Jude saw a solid roof, and fridge full of food, a warm bed, and place safe from abuse. He knew Callie must see it too. She hadn't run yet after all. She may have missed dinner but she was here now, well before sunset.

He sat up when he heard footsteps on the stairs. They were heavy, and quick, like their owner was bounding two steps at a time. "Hey," his sister greeted, popping into his room. Her smile was bright, brighter than he'd seen in a long time and she looked like summer, her hair gently curled, her long, tanned legs standing free and strong in her dark denim shorts. "You wanna come to the pier with me?"

"Like with the rides and stuff?"

"Yeah! It'll be fun. You can invite Connor," she added raising a knowing eyebrow.

"He said he was busy tonight." Which was too bad because although Jude didn't really want to go, he felt he owed it to the happy Callie that so rarely made an appearance these days and Connor would definitely make the whole overpriced rides, overprice games, large crowds thing more appealing.

"But you're not, are you?"

"Well not re-"

"It's just Stef and Lena won't let me go out again unless you come too. Please, Jude. Please. I'll buy you mini doughnuts."

"Okay," he agreed rolling his eyes. Babysitting his older sister didn't seem like the best plan but it was better than laying on his bed thinking about the way Connor wore his hoodies, zipper open, just barely hanging on to his shoulder.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once the sun had set, the pier was a bit of a sensory overload. The neon lights against the black back drop, the noise of the bells from all the games, and the screams from the roller coaster, Jude didn't know where to look. Within minutes he felt like he had whiplash. The Ferris wheel was his only salvation, taking them high above all the chaos even though it blasted some nauseating jingle in their ears while doing so. Jude definitely preferred the quiet, empty beach at night but he had been promised mini doughnuts so he was going to stick it out.

"So hey," Callie said as they stepped off the Ferris wheel. "My friends are over by the ring toss. I'm going to go hang with them for a while."

Jude looked towards where Callie was waving. A guy with shoulder length blond hair and a cigarette between his teeth nodded back. "You know you're not supposed to, right?"

"Who's going to know?"

"Okay," he sighed knowing protesting was no use. "I still want my doughnuts though."

Callie rolled her eyes and fished some cash out of her pocket, dashing off as soon the money was in his hands. He watched her run into the smoker's arms and as the grey cloud of nicotine engulfed her, the summer drained. There was nothing happy or free about the sight before him. She was just desperate and willing to settle for the volatile cancer that threw his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. It wasn't a secure kind of close though. To Jude it looked more like a trap. He was sure she saw it too, the problem was that she felt more trapped at home. He watched as the smoker reached into the pack in his back pocket and pulled out a second cigarette. He passed it to her and she smiled as he lit it with his own. The orange glow crackling from the tips, though small amoungst the sea of carnival lights, held his gaze. The fire was so different from the campfire at the lodge where the woods met the beach. It was a ticking time bomb, making its way slowly to their lips where it would burn and fuel the inevitable eruption that would drag Callie down far further than whatever depth she insisted Stef and Lena were keeping her at.

They turned away from Jude and walked into the crowd. He realized Callie had never said when or where she would meet him. Impulsively, he took a couple steps to run after them but then he stopped. She had no intention of coming home. She never did. For all her hate towards the system abandoning them and family after family using them for the government cheques, Jude wondered if she realized that she was now doing the exact same thing to him.

He thumbed through the money she'd given him and turned around, heading back towards the mini doughnut stand. He had to throw in a dollar of his own but the powdery, cinnamon sugar grease balls were worth it. Worth the dollar, not so much the aiding and abetting. He wandered aimlessly, shuffling his feet around the pier, periodically popping a doughnut into his mouth. He didn't really know what to do now that he was alone. Going on rides by yourself seemed sad and going home early, before Stef and Lena went to bed meant tattling. He found himself by the games but he was no good at them either and didn't feel like throwing his money away. Further down along the row of booths he spotted a blue bandana tied around messy, dirty blond hair. "Connor!" he called, weaving his way towards the other boy. He was standing in front of the bottle toss booth. A girl was holding onto his arm.

"Jude?!" He looked surprised, his eyes wide, his mouth hanging open slightly as if he didn't know what else to say.

Jude scrunched his eyebrows, puzzled at the reaction. "Hi."

"Hi. Yeah uh, th-this is Daria. Daria, Jude."

She was tall with long, ringlet filled brown hair. She smiled brightly at him, her long eyelashes fluttering. Jude guessed they were fake but they were pretty and suited her lipstick pink lips and light floral sundress that floated in the gentle evening breeze coming in off the water. She reminded him of Callie a little, or what Callie could have been if they had had different parents or if maybe Stef and Lena had gotten to them earlier. Instead of luring him out of the house under the guise of sibling time and then sneaking off with some delinquent, she could have been here freely with friends, hording stuffed animal prizes instead of cancerous smoke. "You're the new addition to the baseball team, right?" she asked. Jude nodded. "Well good. Then if Connor can't win me the bear, you can try."

Jude laughed. "I don't know. The pitcher's probably your best bet. Doughnut?" he offered holding out the paper bag.

"Gluten intolerant. Thanks though."

"Connor?"

"W-what? Huh?"

"You want a doughnut?" he laughed.

"Uh…"

"After you play," Daria answered for him. "Don't want messy fingers to screw up your throw."

"Throw. Right." Connor stepped forward and the booth attendant handed him three plastic balls. The goal was to knock over the three milk bottles sitting on a platform a few yards away. Despite his odd behaviour, Connor knocked them down with a ball to spare.

"Oh we got a skilled one here folks," the attendant announced. "What'll it be son? Something for the special lady?" Connor laughed awkwardly and pointed to one of the large stuffed teddy bears that was verging on life size. "Oh he's gone shy now. No need for that. You won her the prize so I'm sure you've won her heart."

"Thanks," Connor mumbled taking the bear and handing it to Daria. Jude watched it all with a growing smirk. It was kind of fun watching straight people rattle off heteronormative narratives of their lives. He was sure Connor would have a field day with it as soon as they were out of ear shot. A bear would be nice too though. They had smaller ones that may be more practical. Or maybe a lion. Its mane looked really soft. Jude wondered if could muster the courage to ask Connor to come back later and win him something. It was stupid but he honestly couldn't even imagine himself being so bold.

Sighing, he popped another doughnut in his mouth. "So, what next?" He turned his head and he couldn't stop his mouth falling open. She had her arms draped around Connor's neck, her tongue down his throat. The bear was sandwiched between them but his hand was still bunched in the back of her dress. Jude watched the grip loosen though and looked back up to see Connor now looking back at him, his honey brown eyes no longer as sweet.

"Let's do the Ferris wheel," she said, finally coming up for air. And then she was pulling Connor by the hand away into the crowd, leaving Jude, alone, once again.

Alone and in complete shock. His ears went deaf to the buzz around him, his eyes drifted out of focus. That bubble was forming around him again and he was retreating inwards. He allowed himself to sink deep like that when things got ugly, when broken bottles were waved in his face, when the burn of a fist would just not leave his skin. It was a way to remove himself from the situation because he could never do so physically. If he could take his head out of the chaos then he couldn't form the memory and then it couldn't haunt him in the night. In that zombie like state, he walked, away from the bottle toss, the game booths, the pier. He walked down the endless beach that stretched from the Alaskan Arctic, through Canadian rainforest and California surf, down through the Latin tropics and then all the way back up the other side. He could walk forever this time. He could finally free his body and not only his mind. And so he did.

For a while at least. He got far enough so that the only visibly light from the pier was from the top of the Ferris wheel and it was now far too dim to drown out the stars. He found Orion and the Big Dipper, the North Star looking as dim and as far as the pier. He started to feel the ocean breeze again then and his shoes felt heavy in the sand. He stopped to take them off, digging his toes into the sand and loving how it conformed perfectly around them. He didn't stand back up to continue though. Instead he decided to sit because as he had walked it had occurred to him that the endless beach was a loop. If he kept going, he would end up right back where he started, at the pier, at the bottle toss, with Connor and his girlfriend.

Like Callie, running would not get him anywhere, it would just sink him further and further into the hole caving in his chest. So he sat and he dug his toes further into the sand and he let himself process what had just happened.

He felt stupid for not figuring it out before she latched herself onto his face. If he had, he could have walked away sparing himself the embarrassment of a front row seat. He could have walked away before Connor had even known he was there. He hadn't seen it though. Gay guys attracted straight girls, didn't they? That was like a thing now that being gay wasn't as reviled. He had just thought Daria was friend and after hearing her talk, he had just assumed she had claimed him as her best gay. It was a blind assumption though because there were neon signs, bells even, everywhere telling him he was wrong. Connor's reaction was the biggest. His discomfort, loss of words, and general awkwardness was so far removed from the sure, confident boy who had flirted openly with him from the moment they had met. Jude had noticed it sure, he just hadn't worked out its significance in time. He hadn't even really tried. He had just stood there and watched their little 1950's carnival date play out before his eyes. He should have tried though. He knew that. Connor always cared about his comfort. Or did he? He seemed to, in those moments when they were alone or could steel a subtle glance but there had been a lot of things that Connor seemed like that had just been proved false. How much could he really care if he had a girlfriend and reduced Jude to 'the dirty little secret', to a release valve so he could carry on leading an All American life?

He felt tears pooling in his eyes then. And they were cold as they ran down his cheeks in the night air. There was a lot really but what hurt the most was the thought that Connor hadn't cared. It was the thing Jude had been missing from his life for far too long and he had been afraid to believe it but he had. He had and he allowed himself to care in return. Even now, after all of it, a part of him felt guilty for not being more attuned to Connor's discomfort like a good boyfriend should. Even when he knew he was never the boyfriend and knew that Connor had dug the hole for himself. He hated that he was like this. He hated that after all the crap people in this world had put him through, he still punished himself if there was even a possibility that he had hurt them in return. He hated that he still foolishly believed that someone could care. He hated that he saw right through all the men in Callie's life but couldn't in his own. And he hated that some silly teenage crush could reduce him to a blubbering mess, washed up on a deserted beach after everything else he'd already faced.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where's your sister?"

It wasn't accusatory but Jude nearly jumped out of his skin. The red streaky tear stains had long faded from his cheeks and all the lights had been off in the house so he had thought Stef and Lena were asleep. He had shut the door as gently as he could and begun tip toeing up the stairs when Stef's voice sounded out of the dark kitchen. "Oh my god. You scared me," he said, clutching the hand rail.

"Sorry, love." He heard a stool slide back on the floor and then the light flicked on. "So," she asked again, arms folded over her loose, grey, baseball tee. "Where's your sister?"

"She's coming."

"Oh yeah."

"Yeah. She uh, she ran into some friends as were leaving and said she'd catch up."

"Okay." He didn't really think she believed it but she must have understood. Even if he had told the truth, there was nothing more that anyone could do. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah," he lied. "The mini doughnuts were good."

"Good. Well you should go get some sleep. You've got practice in the morning."

"Goodnight."

"Night, Love."


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning Jude woke got up early. He hadn't slept well and there was no sense tossing and turning while waiting for his alarm. After getting dressed, he walked downstairs, pausing on the last step. In the living room he could see Stef asleep on the couch, no blanket, no pillow. She must have fallen asleep waiting for Callie. The guilt he'd been hoping to sleep off returned in full force and with it came a bout of anger. He was angry with himself for lying for Callie and angry at Callie for putting him in that position. He was also angry at Connor. It should have been him at the pier with Connor. They could have come home after practice and showered and then gone to the Shake Shack for dinner and then spent the evening on rides and sharing a bag of mini doughnuts. If Connor had asked him, Callie wouldn't've been able to. And maybe he wouldn't feel so greasy and bloated if he'd only eaten half a bag.

He needed out of the house and the feeling scared him a bit because it reminded him of his sister but he didn't fight it. He grabbed a granola bar, his ball bag, and his skate board and made his way quickly and quietly out the door.

There was no one at the field when he got there. The sprinklers were still on, washing away the sun's damage. He made his way to the dugout and hid under its cover. He had needed out of his bed and the house but here was no good either. Really, he just wanted out of his head. He wanted to start over again, a new life in a new place, with new memories.

Soon after laying down on the bench, he heard a car pull into the parking lot behind him. He heard a door open and close and then the car drive off. He heard the gate rattle near home plate and the thud of a bag being dropped onto the packed sand. Hoping he could lay in hiding from the world a little longer, Jude was relieved when he heard footsteps take off in a light patter in the opposite direction. The patter grew quieter and quieter and louder again as the person rounded the diamond and Jude found himself enjoying the company in a strange way. It was easier to forget about last night when he had something else to focus on. He let his eyes slip close and just listened, counting the laps and noting, impressively, that whoever was running them made it through four before their breathing really started to sound heavy. Jude could only make it through two. Towards the end of the sixth, the footsteps picked up pace, thundering past where he still lay unnoticed, in a sprint towards home plate. It was quiet then for a few minutes until the runner started doing stairs on the old bleachers. The creak in the steps was louder than Jude remembered it being. It was mocking him and his naïve security in their flaw. Each creak had just been a release valve though, allowing the bubbles under the surface to build more and more heat. Eventually it had to erupt. Everything always did.

A calm always followed the fire storm and Jude found the restless night finally catching up with him. He felt himself drift in and out of consciousness, the hard bench beneath him and the loud, frantic pounding a few yards away a fitting bed and lullaby for his rattled self-worth.

His eyes startled open when he heard the chain link fence rattle. "Jude?" He bolted upright at the familiar voice. The way it said his name was different now though. It wasn't as strong or as smooth. There was a squeak to it, probably a bit of surprise but probably a bit of something else too. "Shit. What are y- When did you get here?"

He shrugged. "Before you." He stood up and turned to walk away, towards where though he did not know. A new hiding place would be nice.

"No, wait," Connor said and Jude felt a hand grab his arm. It let go quickly as if to apologize for its forcefulness but Jude stopped and turned around anyways. Connor stepped forward, his lips parted. "Jude, I…" He picked up the draw string on Jude's hoodie and twisted it between his fingers, his eyes down, his shoulders slumped.

"You have a girlfriend?" He didn't get answer. "I don't get this. I don't get you."

"Connor! Con – There you are." Connor dropped his draw string, shoved his hand in his pocket, and jumped back several feet at the sound of the aggravated voice. "You forgot your batting glove."

"Oh. Thanks," Connor said, taking the glove from the middle aged man with furrowed eyebrows. Jude assumed the man was his father and couldn't help but notice the way Connor's eyes refused to meet his.

"So," his dad continued after giving Jude a quick, smile free, nod hello. "What's all this standing around and talking? Shouldn't you be running? I bet your friend doesn't appreciate you cutting into his training. You're very out of it this morning."

Jude was taken aback by the seriousness of the comment and it took him a second to respond. "Act-"

"I already finished the laps," Connor said, cutting him off. "And the stairs."

"Push-ups?"

"Not yet," he admitted, his voice suddenly quieter.

"Well then. You should get to it, shouldn't you? And an extra couple of laps wouldn't kill you. You gotta keep pushing yourself. Do a little more every day or you won't see improvement." There was an awkward pause when he finished his little spiel. He seemed to be waiting for an answer but Jude could see by the way Connor was grinding his bottom lip that he was afraid to give one. Jude didn't blame him. They hadn't even been officially introduced and already Jude could see that Mr. Stevens would find something wrong with anything Connor attempted to say. It was a trait Jude knew well and although silence was still an unacceptable approach, Jude found that it garnered the least animosity. When Mr. Stevens grew tired of the silence he prompted an answer. "Right?"

"Right," Connor echoed in a rehearsed, machine like fashion. None of this was anything Jude wished to be a part of but the worst bit was watching the way Connor responded to all of it. It was beaten down, assembly line, robotic. He was sad and stoic, his eyes were dead and glazed over. He was nothing like the Connor he had come to know and admire. It was like last night all over again.

"Good," his father nodded, turning and walking out of the dugout and back to his car.

Jude didn't know what to say or if he should even say anything at all. Connor spoke before he could decide. "Meet me tonight? At the beach. After everyone's asleep." And then he walked back onto the field towards the pitcher's mound. Jude watched as he crouched down and began his push-ups, the flex of his muscles visible even from the distance. When the car door had opened and closed and drive off again though, Connor brought his feet a bit closer to his waist and then kicked them into the air and himself into a handstand.

The rest of practice was a blur. The only thing he remembered was being made to run extra laps at the end. It didn't really surprise him though because his head had been all over the place. The early morning escape was supposed to calm the spinning down, give him a break and a fighting chance to deal with the world again. It hadn't though. It had just made it worse. And now, in some ironic twist, the mess had filtered down into one neat, little decision. Sneak out into the unknown. Or stay locked up in the small little world inside his bedroom. Sneaking out felt like a betrayal though. It felt like he'd be betraying the loving and supporting home he'd wanted for so long. And that was something else. They hadn't talked about it much but Connor was perceptive. He knew. He knew sneaking out wouldn't be as simple for Jude as it might be for others and yet that was his grand plan to make it all right again? That didn't seem right to Jude and he felt like he'd be betraying himself if he let some boy drag him down that path, especially given the lie that had lead them to this fork to begin with.

But despite all those reasons not to, Jude hadn't been able to say a definitive no. Stopping him and pulling him out towards the beach was the void look in Connor's eyes that morning, and all through practice really. It was like he wasn't really looking through them, like his mind was somewhere else, trapped and haunted. Lost, was the word that came to Jude's mind.

They had been working on batting that day and when Jude had stepped up to the plate and swung and his bat hit the ball, the loud crack jolted something in him. The lightning bolts painted on Connor's surf board flashed before him, blinding him even from the ball he'd just hit as it soared through the sky. It wasn't the lightning so much as the blue creatures below that occupied his mind. They looked like Connor had as he was trying to pull words from his mouth. And the scowl on his father's face was not so different from what Jude could remember of the angry man in the clouds reeking all he havoc.

He was still confused but seeing all that had him wanting the answers more and more and believing that they may hold some of that hope he had found floating out on the ocean with Connor's arms wrapped snuggly around his waist. Was that maybe worth it though? As he skated home, he still wasn't sure.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Callie?"

"No, it's me," he answered, closing the front door behind him.

"Oh. Well how was practice? You left early."

"Good."

"That's good. You haven't seen your sister, have you?"

"Not since last night, why?"

"She hasn't come home yet and she's got a check in with her PO tomorrow."

"Oh."

"I'm sure she'll turn up," Lena said with a breezy tone that did nothing to hide what she'd just said. "Here, you must be hungry so why don't I start dinner while you run up and shower."

"Okay," he nodded. "No Stef?"

"She's working late."

He showered and they ate and for some reason Lena kept glancing towards the door even though there was no click of keys in the lock. "If your coach wanted you guys there early this morning, I could've driven you. You just need to ask buddy," she said in what Jude guessed was a way to distract herself.

"Oh. No, I know. It's not far though and I just couldn't sleep."

"Any reason?"

Connor. "Callie. I guess. I'm um – I'm not sure she's coming home."

"You know, I'm starting to think that too."

Jude could tell that she didn't truly believe it though because as soon as the lock on the front door clicked open, she stood up from her seat and rushed to see who it was. If she had believed it, like he did, she would have known that it was just Stef.

"I thought you might be Callie," he heard Lena say.

"I know. Is Jude home?"

"Yeah, we're eating. I'll grab you a plate."

"Well we managed to not lose one child. Last time I checked fifty percent is a passing grade," she greeted him, wrapping an arm around him and giving him a squeeze from behind. "I swear I made Mike drive by the field five times today to make sure you were still there."

"Really?" He hadn't noticed the police car at all, although he supposed he hadn't noticed much that day.

"Uh huh. Mama drove by too."

"Well you know I can't really run. I've got nowhere to go."

"Does Callie?" Stef asked in a tone that matched the navy blue uniform she hadn't changed out of yet.

"I uh, I don't know?" he said looking away from her, suddenly intimidated.

"Stef," Lena warned and Jude flicked his eyes back and forth between them as they silently revisited some earlier conversation.

"Look Baby, Mama and I never wanted to put you in this position but if we don't find her soon, we're going to have to report her missing. And running is definitely a parole violation that the judge will not like. But if we don't report it they could revoke our license and then-"

"Then they'd have to re-place me."

"Exactly, Baby. And we don't want that. And we know you don't want that. And really, we don't think Callie would want it either. So if you know anything that could help us find her."

Jude sat quiet for a minute. And he knew that for every second he waited it became more and more obvious that he did know. But in some way, that didn't seem to matter. Stef and Lena seemed to care too much about his emotional wellbeing than to force it out of him. So he took his time to weigh out his options. Maybe to anyone else the choice would look simple. Tell. Tell and let them find her or call in a missing person's report because that would give him the best chance of getting to stay. And Stef was right, staying was what he wanted. But it had always been just him and Callie. She had gone to juvie protecting him. She had stayed silent for months through night after night of sexual abuse because there was no yelling or hitting and there were new clothes and clean clothes and a proper meal on the table every night in that home and she hadn't wanted to ruin it for him. Saying something when she hadn't felt like a betrayal. And as he fought for a decision, Jude realized something. This was the first time he'd ever actually been given a choice. Every adult he had known before sat up in the clouds making those decisions for him, casting their lightning bolts down whenever they pleased and ripping him away from whatever life he had started to build. The most important thing in that life had always been his sister and that they were together. That was what they had always said, that no matter what, they had to stay together. Now though, it seemed as if she was the one betraying that pact. Still, he didn't blame her. He knew the abuse she had suffered and how the system had beaten her into her delusion. Seeing it made his own decision easier though. He didn't want to end up like her. He didn't want to become so used to outside forces ripping away at anything good that he began to do it to himself. If he got moved, it wouldn't be to another real home. No, that was a once in a life time find for kids in the system. Staying was his only hope and telling Stef and Lena about the smoker and his place on Alcalone was his only hope in staying.

"Alcalone? Are you sure that's what she said?" Stef asked. Jude nodded and watched as the worry in her eyes grew.

"What?"

"Nothing. That's just… That's just a bad part of town. Do you know what he looked like?"

"Yeah. He's white with long, wavy blond hair. About Callie's length."

"Okay. Well why don't we go take a drive and see if we can find them."

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" Lena asked, glancing in his direction.

"He's the only one who knows who we're looking for."

"And what happens when we find him."

"We call Mike and the two of us will go get her. She's still a minor. She can't legally stay with this guy. And if it's me and Mike we can do it unofficially and maybe there will be no need to call it in."

Lena still seemed hesitant but they climbed into the car anyways. They drove past the nice, four bedroom houses with two car garages built on windy tree lined streets and into the commercial part of town and then they kept going. The houses grew smaller, white picket fences turned into chain link ones holding back pit bulls and German shepherds. Jude watched for street signs and when they turned on to Alcalone, his heart sank. The street was a mix of commercial and residential with small apartments sitting above a laundromat, a pawn shop, a payday loan place. There were bars over all the windows. There was a motel a little further along, one the offered hourly rates, and a gas station and a crowd of people milling about in the parking lot.

"Okay, we don't want to draw too much attention so I'm not going to slow down. Just keep your eyes out for him, Jude," Stef said as they approached the end of the block.

The traffic light at the intersection turned red giving Jude more time to look past the huddle of women near the edge of the sidewalk in short, tight dresses and stiletto heels to where the men hung back against the buildings. Really though, he didn't need it. The smoker's long blond hair stood out easily in the crowd of mostly Black and Hispanic men. "There," he said. "Leaning on the Vacancy sign with the leather jacket and the cigarette."

"You're sure?" Lena asked.

"Yes."

The light turned green and Stef drove through the intersection. She turned left at the next block, down a quieter street, and parked. She pulled out her phone. "Mike. We found her," she said into the speaker after dialing. "We're on the corner of Alcalone and Hastings," she said craning her neck to see the street sign behind them. "Okay, see you soon."

The car was quiet after Stef hung up but not in a peaceful way. He could tell Lena didn't really approve of what they were doing so he was scared that any sort of comment about anything at all would erupt the thinly strung tension. Mike arrived within fifteen minutes, his SUV pulling up behind theirs and then the cop talk started. It was quiet again once they left, Stef telling Lena to stay put, that they'd only be a minute.

"I hope so," Lena mumbled tilting her head up to watch them walk away in the rearview mirror.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, second to last chapter guys... hope you like it

It was quiet again after Mike and Stef had disappeared around the corner. Jude would have thought that after eight years, being married to a police officer and watching her walk into the underbelly of society day in and day out would have gotten easier. Judging by Lena's silence and the way she was fiddling with her wedding ring, Jude guessed it hadn't. A nagging voice in his head told him that he should start some sort of small talk to keep her distracted, like how the person riding shot gun is supposed to keep the driver from falling asleep. "It's really nice of Mike to come help out with Callie."

"Uh… oh," she said after a pause. "Yeah, he's a good guy." There was another pause and Jude started trying to come up with another, more sustainable, topic. The weather in southern California was unfortunately always hot and sunny. "They used to be married, you know?"

"What? I definitely did not know that," he said, his eyes springing wide. Mike had been Stef's partner all during the nine months he'd lived with them and never once had this come up. He couldn't deny the small sting he felt knowing he'd been kept out of the loop for that long. If they really wanted to adopt him and Callie, wouldn't they be open about their family and past? He pushed it away though knowing there were a lot of things he and Callie had never told them. And he was curious, too curious to retreat into his bubble and remain silent.

"Yeah," Lena nodded. "It wasn't for very long. Three and a bit years. I got'em beat."

"What uh, what happened?"

"Oh well there were a lot of things really. Things that push a lot of strong couples away from each other. But I think they all just mostly made her realize how wrong it actually was for her. Being with a man."

"It must not have gotten too ugly though. I mean they work together and he's out here tonight."

"It did actually. For a bit. But they realized pretty quick that they weren't really mad at each other. They were mad at the circumstance."

"Do you think he still loves her? Like, you know, like you do?"

"Well aren't you full of questions."

"Sorry," he laughed. "It's just I see Mike all the time and Stef talks about him and… I don't know. It's-"

He was cut off by a loud, sharp popping sound. And then two more. They sounded like firecrackers and Jude would've happily believed that they were under any other circumstance. Lena's hand was on the door handle before the echo had a chance to dissipate. "Wait," Jude called, stepping out of the car after her.

Lena paused and looked at him, her determined expression faltering. "Crap," she relented. "Shit!" She dug into the pocket on her jeans and pulled out her phone. There didn't seem to be much point though because Jude could hear sirens growing in the distance. And as she hung up, two police cars sped past the side street. Someone had already called it in.

Much like the day before it, the rest of the night was a blur of flashing blue and red. The ambulance arrived shortly after the police cars and Jude and Lena watched from the sidewalk across the parking lot as the paramedics carried Stef out of a second story motel room on a stretcher. She was lying down and they had an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth but she was awake and reached out to Lena as they wheeled her past. They couldn't go with her though. They had to stay with Callie and wait for her parole officer though they weren't allowed to speak to her. As they waited, Jude couldn't keep himself from looking over towards the open motel room door that officers bustled in and out of. Form the tidbits of conversations he'd overheard, the smoker lay dead just beyond the darkened entrance. He didn't really believe that Callie loved him but for some reason she had seen some kind of twisted hope in him and the cum stained motel room guarded by pimps and drug dealers. He didn't want that life for her but he knew that by being forced apart, she would always see the smoker as Romeo and never as Othello. He didn't care about the smoker but he cared about her and how broken she must feel at the thought of the cooling, limp body that she had turned to for warmth.

When the parole officer arrived, Jude's eyes turned away from the dark doorway to the silver shine of the handcuffs hanging off the back of her belt. He'd seen them slapped onto Callie's wrists before and it made his jaw clench and his fingers twitch. This system treated her like an animal that kept escaping its cage. He watched as the officer approached her. They spoke but Jude couldn't hear what they were saying. She took Callie's arm and led her towards the car and Jude's jaw slowly relaxed when the officer opened the car door and helped her in without ever reaching for the cuffs. She would be taken back to juvie but to Jude anyways, those small things helped. He hoped she could still see them.

They left for the hospital after the parole officer's car pulled away. By the time they arrived, Stef had already been taken back to surgery so he and Lena took up camp in the waiting room. There was nothing more they could do.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jude let out a sigh, a smile spreading across his lips. He blinked his eyes open and waited as the world slowly came back into focus. He was hazy but Jude could make out the blue bandana and was happy to let himself linger in his drift knowing it was Connor that hovered above him. He heard Connor chuckle, light and easy and his eyes finally focused on the bright smile that he had come to love. Connor leaned forward towards him and Jude let his eyes slip close again waiting for the soft press of his lips. It wasn't soft though. Connor seemed to have no interest in a slow build. Jude felt his lips part as soon as they had crashed into his and his tongue slip through. He wasn't as eager in his return but he didn't push Connor away. He liked how Connor's weight felt above him pushing him down in the gritty sand that formed snuggly around his body. It was like he was always meant to be there, lying on his back with Connor on top of him. Inspired by Connor's boldness, he snaked his arm around his back to hold him close. The bare skin, warm beneath his fingers, made his stomach flutter, the butterflies trapped within pushing up and he arched up into Connor.

Connor groaned and pulled away, sitting himself upright, his legs still straddling Jude's. Jude let his hand fall to Connor's waist and let his thumb trace the sharp groove under his hip bone while his eyes wandered over his toned stomach. "I can't," Connor sighed.

"Just a little longer?"

"No. I gotta go. Daria will start to wonder." He lifted his leg over Jude's body and reached for his discarded flannel. Jude felt cold suddenly, the ground now unforgiving and lumpy and he hurriedly sat up and grabbed for his own shirt. He felt forced to put it on. He didn't want to really. He wanted to stay out on beach with Connor and no barrier between them forever. But Connor didn't. Connor had already built that wall back up and escaped their sated oasis. "This was good though. I needed it," he said pulling a silver wedding band from the front pocket of his shirt and slipping it on his ring finger. Jude watched him squint as the light from a street lamp reflected off the smooth metallic surface. "No way I'd get through the week without it. You're my release man."

Jude's eyes shot open and he jumped at the hand reaching out for his shoulder.

"Woah, buddy. Didn't mean to startle you."

He blinked rapidly, the fluorescent lights as unforgiving as the chair he was sitting in. He relaxed a bit when he saw the arm retreating and that it was attached to Mike. "Uh… oh. It's okay."

"Tired?"

"Uh… yeah. Yeah, I guess."

"You sure you're okay?"

Jude looked up and caught Mike's eye and flashes of a very naked Connor came to him. He looked away quickly, the irrational fear of Mike somehow knowing what he been dreaming about suddenly adding to the chaos spinning in his semi disoriented brain.

Callie was gone. Again. Stef had been shot and rushed away to surgery. The smoker was dead and dead people don't just disappear. Jude knew there would be an investigation which could easily undo these past nine months. If Stef got charged with anything the state would re-place him. Everything would be gone. Everything, including Connor.

Connor. Jude whipped his head back to Mike. "What time is it?"

"Two-ish. Well past my bedtime."

It was too late. He hadn't even had a chance to make up his mind and it was already too late. Connor had probably already given up and gone home. Panic started to set in, the kind where every muscle in his body twitched because he could not be still when something had been left so wrong. He hated the thought of Connor waiting, trying to convince himself that maybe just five more minutes would make a difference. He hated that he was the cause but mostly he hated that he hadn't even chosen to be. Once again others making decisions around him had impeded his own ability to carve out a life of his own and shape it how he saw fit.

"Come on, Stef and Lena asked me to take you home. You look like you could use some rest."

"Stef's out of surgery?"

"Yup. The bullet's out, she's awake, and she's all good to go. Well, in a couple of days."

"What happened?"

Mike sighed. "We're not supposed to discuss it."

"Oh."

"We showed the clerk our badges and pointed the kid out in the parking lot and asked which room he was living in. We went and knocked and Callie opened the door. Stef was talking to her when the kid came up and pulled out a gun. I was sweeping the place for drugs or something we could bring him in on. I should've been keeping watch."

"Were there any? Drugs?"

Mike nodded. "Yeah."

"So Callie's probation is really screwed up?" Mike didn't answer but he didn't need to. Jude knew and he knew it meant she would probably be gone longer than last time. Jude didn't think she'd make it through the other side this time. Right now, he wasn't even sure he would.

"You okay, kiddo?"

No. "Yeah. Yeah, let's go."

"I guess it's hard seeing your sister like that?" Mike said as they pulled out of the parking lot. Jude nodded absentmindedly, his eyes focused out the window. "You did the right thing."

"Huh?"

"By telling your mo- Stef and Lena where she was."

"Oh. Right." Callie had been swirled to the back of his mind again, as had Stef. Each time they drove through an intersection, that break in the buildings allowed Jude to see the glimmer of the moon out on the water and Connor moved in its black waves to the forefront.

"She may not understand now but she will."

Jude turned to look at Mike then. "What made you understand? That Stef was gay but kinda led you on."

"Oh. So they told you, huh? Uh, well honestly, I think it was her dad. And it took a while. This didn't happen overnight. But I began remembering back when we were dating and how her dad always had these high standards for me. He'd make little comments if I picked her up five minutes late or I didn't come to dinner with a tie. He hated that I wasn't a church guy. I never felt good enough for him really. And I guess I just realized that she grew up with all that. He wanted the perfect son in law because he wanted the perfect daughter. Obviously she was going to try. I mean I went out and bought a bunch of ties and spent an entire day watching videos to figure out how to tie them. These things," he said pulling on his uniform tie, "are just clip-ons."

"She never talks about him."

"Well he never figured out the understanding thing. And she just wanted to make him happy, right? She went so far as to marry me. I mean no straight woman has ever even wanted to do that," he chuckled, turning onto their street. "I think it broke her heart that he never tried after she met Lena after everything she had done. And things like that don't just go away."

Not really knowing what else to say, Jude nodded as Mike pulled his car into the driveway.

"Well here we are. You got your key? Want me to come in with you?"

Jude dug the key out of his pocket. "No, I'm good. Thanks for the ride."

"Okay. Call me if you need anything."

Mike waited until Jude got in the front door before backing out and driving off. Once he was alone, Jude didn't really know what to do. He was tired but he knew his body wouldn't be able to sleep. After kicking off his shoes, he wandered into the kitchen. He turned on the light and opened the fridge. He wasn't hungry though so he closed it again, flicked the light back off and wandered back to stairs. He climbed them and stopped outside of Callie's room. Her door was a jar and he could see her vanity. It was covered with clothes and various papers leaving no room to actually do one's make up. He pushed the door open slowly and walked over to the small table, oddly cautious of not disturbing any of the mess or making too much noise. No one was home and Callie wouldn't mind anyway but he still felt the need to avoid being caught.

It was his thoughts more than his actions that concerned Jude. He didn't want anyone to know what Connor had done to him. He already knew what the situation looked like; he'd seen the very graphic display in his very strange dream. In the moment it had felt like that too, if he was being honest, that he was being used. He didn't need others to tell him. He didn't need to see their furrowed brow when, after getting past the fact that he was thinking about a boy when his foster mother was in the hospital and his sister was in juvie, they learned that he hadn't written Connor off yet completely. He knew what they would be thinking. It's what he thought when he looked at Callie. Broken by the system. Another kid so used to being used and then tossed to the curb that the familiarity of the cycle was their only source of comfort and so they sought it out. That possibility already worried him but there was also still something holding him to those late afternoons in the surf. It was something warm and pure, something not tainted by his earlier life. If Connor was just using him, then those times would have been all about what Connor needed. They never were though. At least it felt that way and Jude wanted to believe that he wasn't some diseased zombie, infecting anyone he encountered with everything he had experienced. He had to believe it was possible to have a life outside of the foster system. Callie was right. They were getting close to aging out and he need to be able to forge ahead. And Jude didn't particularly like that this final hope lay in the intentions of someone else but he had chosen Connor for a reason so for now he had to trust in that.

He pulled open the first drawer. Hairbrush, no. The second drawer. Tampons, definitely no. The third drawer. Nail polish. Yes. He rooted through the small collection. She liked dark colours and he couldn't ever remember her wearing anything that bright but he kept looking. Buried far in the back, he found it. Blue. Bright, royal blue. Connor's blue. He hastily pushed the pile of laundry off the small chair and pulled it back up to the vanity. He unscrewed the cap and set his left hand down flat on top of some papers and brushed the alcohol smelling pigment over his index finger.

It looked at bit of a mess when he was finished. He definitely had not been staying in the lines so he decided not to even bother trying the other hand. Connor only did one anyways. As he screwed the lid back on, he smiled. He was sure it was too late now but he was also sure sleeping wasn't an option until he'd a least seen Connor so he made his way quickly back downstairs, not worrying about avoiding the creeks and put his shoes on and grabbed his skateboard that was leaned waiting against the coat rack.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, final chapter! it feels really good to have it completed but i'm going to miss posting every week and reading all your comments (a huge thankyou to those who did!! i loved hearing from all of you and to know that you were enjoying this). so this chapter is a little shorter but i hope you enjoy it. happy reading!!!

He hadn't noticed it when Mike was driving him home but now the quiet streets seemed almost too quiet. During the day there was always someone mowing their lawn or taking their dog for a walk. Now, there was no one. There weren't even any lights on in any of the houses he passed, not even a blue flicker from a tv. Everything was dark and still and Jude seemed to be the only life form in miles. It was like some Hollywood set after the cameras had stopped rolling. Eerie for sure but there was also a sort of dire suspense to the dead night that he had invaded that made his heart pound faster. If the cameras had stopped, then there was very little time left before the demolition crew would come in the strike the set of picturesque family homes built just up from the beach around a baseball field with green grass under a blue sky. And although the ticking clock was unsettling, Jude realized no cameras also meant no script. There wasn't much time but there was some, and it was his to use as he pleased. While the rest of the world sat paused, after they had all had their turn on screen and behind the scenes, he and Connor could now sneak away and decide for themselves where they wanted their story to go and they would get the final say, sneak it in at the very end so there would be no time for the director or the major studio big wigs to demand a reshoot.

Getting to the beach took less than ten minutes. It never felt that close when he was walking with his surf board. The sky was clear and the stars were out and the cool dip just before the sun began to rise again had taken hold. The beach wasn't as black as it was at camp. Or maybe it would have been closer to the water, further from the street lamp lit path that bordered the sand but Jude didn't need to go that far. Connor was sitting just steps from the path, the skateboard he no longer rode propped upright in the sand next to him. He was wearing the same flannel shirt he had worn to camp. It was same one that he remembered wrapping snuggly around his shoulders and never wanting to leave its warmth. Jude couldn't help but think Connor had worn it for a reason. Because he knew he would have to wait until the night had turned cold and he was prepared to do so.

As Jude got closer he saw a guitar resting in Connor's lap and the notes ever so softly gaining the upper hand over the crashing waves. They were fummbly and fell out of time more often then they kept it. It was far from the practised performance by the campfire. But then Jude realized why. It was a different song and he smiled when he recognized what it was supposed to be, a hint of the Connor he had previously known coming back out of the shadows.

"It's a little ironic, doncha think?" he asked taking a seat beside Connor.

Connor nodded, letting his hands fall from the strings. "I guess. Not entirely appropriate. I was out of ideas though. Haven't been able to think."

"Brain a bit scattered?" Connor nodded. "Yeah, I know the feeling. And I guess it's not completely out of left field. I am afraid. Of what just happened. That this was all too good to be true." Connor didn't reply and his eyes fixed themselves down on his guitar. Jude hadn't really expected him to considering he was a little shocked himself by his own admission. He supposed the statement was an obvious one but hearing it out loud and so bluntly was hard. It hurt again and Connor's silence, his inside bottom lip trapped between his teeth, allowed the words to linger longer in the air leaving Jude to feel more and more exposed. He felt like scrambling to get his shirt back over his head like he had in his dream but he was already wearing it. The best he could do was tug at the cuffs on his sweater and pull them down over his hands and that wasn't near enough. After a few moments Jude couldn't take it any longer. "I know why you call him Shakes." Connor looked up and turned to him for the first time that night. His teeth relinquished his lip which formed into a hint of a smile. "Well his name's Will, which is very convenient, and he's a strategist. It's not just hitting the ball to him. He likes plays. He's the master of them." Connor dropped his head again, shaking it back and forth. "What? Am I wrong?"

"No. No, that's exactly it," he said, moving the guitar off his lap and setting it down on the sand in front of him. "It's just no one else's ever figured it out. I mean I don't think anyone else cared to but, you know," he shrugged. "Here you are being all smart and sweet and I've fucked this up so bad."

Jude was warry of it but that sentence seemed to carry the same tune as the earlier song. Connor had once told him that living in this heteronormative world required, at the very least, a release valve. The statement had never sat right with him. He didn't want someone to simply fuck away the resentment with. Connor just hadn't quite understood. Connor had thought it was the gay thing that he was hesitant about and he had been trying to warm Jude up to the idea by starting small, a secret, no feelings attached sort of thing. It had never been a gay thing though. It had been a men thing and the pattern of destruction that they always seemed to bring with them. The advice just hadn't fit the situation and so Jude had simply brushed it off. After the pier though, after seeing Connor parade through the carnie's happy heterosexual narrative, those words had come streaming back to him and had literally, haunted his dreams. He hadn't needed the release. Connor had. People often give advice that reflects their own situation more than that of their listener. That's just how people are. They're self-centered. It's a built in survival tool. Callie thought running was the only way to ensure her freedom so she ran, breaking to one promise they had held above everything else: We stick together no matter what. Those words though, they began to show hints that what he had felt when he was with Connor wasn't simply misplaced hope. It was real. They were real. If he had just been a release, Connor wouldn't have cared that he was smart and sweet. He wouldn't have cared that he had messed it up because there wouldn't have been anything to mess up.

With that small hint of proof, of validation, Jude pressed forth to hopefully obtain more. "You don't love her, do you? You don't actually want to date her? Or… are you bi or something?" Connor shook his head. "Why then? Is it your dad because you definitely never seemed shy about being gay?"

He nodded. "I tried to tell him once. I didn't get very far but he figured out what was coming and started yelling. And he came at me and grabbed me and I tried to get away and somewhere in the struggle, my head got slammed against the mantle." He slipped his hand over his bandana and pushed it off his forehead and tossed it into the sand by his feet. In the light from the street lamps, Jude could see the raised, jagged scar that started an inch above his left eye and ran diagonally up into his hair. "The Harry Potter comments were one thing but eventually people would ask how I actually got it. And…" Jude could see the shine of tears forming in Connor's eyes and over the waves he heard the quiver in his voice. "And I just hate it. I hate thinking about it." Jude reached out and wrapped his arm around Connor's trembling shoulders and he all but collapsed towards him, burying his face in his neck.

Jude sat quietly for a few minutes, just holding Connor, working up the courage to say something that wasn't trivial because really, there were very few things that could help. "I know what it's like to be hit. I hate thinking about it too. One of the foster dads I had, he caught me putting on his wife's nail polish," he said, subconsciously digging his newly painted fingers into the sand. "He came at me fists swinging. Callie couldn't pull him off so she took a baseball bat to his car to get him to stop."

"Jude…" Connor lifted his head a bit, resting his chin on Jude's shoulder and Jude shivered at the heavy breath on his neck.

"They carted her off to juvie for it. Destruction of property. I don't have a scar but people always ask why she was locked up. They ask her. I don't even get to be in charge of the answer." He paused. "I don't like not having a say in my life."

"I know. I'm so sorry." Jude didn't know what the apology was for exactly but the soft, press of Connor's lips to his shoulder and how the warmth spread outwards over his body had him expecting that it was for everything.

"You're the first person I've told. Lots of people know but you're the first person I've told."

He felt Connor nod against his shoulder and then tilt his cheek back to rest against it again. "I want to be that person. I really do." He said it like a question, like he didn't quite know how to go about it or if Jude would give him another chance.

Jude looked out over the beach and where in disappeared into vast ocean. Out there the answer was easy. Out there it could be just them. It was the last frontier, the last bits of Earth left unconquered and free. But the tide was low, well out of reach of their feet and the dry sand was a vastly different world. "I don't know." He took a breath. "I want you to be too. I want you to win teddy bears me. But I don't want to put you in a dangerous situation at home. Nothing is worth that."

"It won't be forever. My dad just wants me to be a jock but I want the scholarship. If I get it then I don't have to rely on him for college. It can all be done with in four years."

"And until then?"

"I asked Daria to meet me after practice tomorrow. I'm going to tell her. I have to do that for her at least. After that I don't know."

A smile spread across Jude's face. There was still no clear answer here on land and maybe there just never was in life. Maybe instead of knowing the answer, it was more important to find a person who could help you look. Connor was that person.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked after Jude had been quiet for a while. Jude felt him pull away from his shoulder a bit and sit up straight again. He scooted closer though so Jude could keep his arm around him and he felt Connor's arm wrap around his waist. "What?" There was amusement in his voice and Jude's smile grew.

"Nothing." Connor raised an eyebrow. "I just… Well I don't know either but I'd rather try to figure it out with you than without." With his left hand, Jude took hold of Connor's where it was resting loosely on his hip. He laced their fingers, so his palm was cradling Connor's in away. He lifted Connor's arm up over his head so the other boy could see. Jude saw him pause for a moment, looking down at their joint hands and the way it wasn't just his nails that were painted blue anymore. And then he smiled that smile, that one that didn't just know happy, it defined it. It defined happy and light and free and Jude didn't know where Connor found all that but he wanted so much to spend the rest of the summer and maybe even the rest of his youth and beyond learning. Jude watched as he bowed his head and that smile turned into a faint laugh. He felt the hand in his squeeze back, warm and soft, and as sure as the Connor he knew, maybe even more so.

"There is no figuring it out without you," Connor whispered as the dawning pink rays of the sun tickled their backs after streaming through the city and the neighbourhoods behind them to the water's edge, banishing the inky black back to the depths and coaxing the blue back out over the infinite surface.


End file.
